I Started a New Pregnancy Blog

I will no longer write in this blog, but keep it around for anyone who is interested in reading it.

If you would like to follow my pregnancy blog, you can go here: My Pregnancy Blog

I had my first beta today, and at 6dp5dt it was 41. My tests are getting darker and my symptoms are getting intense. I am enjoying every moment of this.

My FRER is Showing a LIne!

In the middle of the night I took a first response pregnancy test and it came back positive! It's very light, but obviously there. This all seems so surreal to me. I can't believe that this actually worked and I am finally knocked up. Now I have to stay calm and not worry about complications. It's still very early at 3 weeks 4 days.

For all of you who are in that dark place right now, please don't ever lose hope. Miracles do happen. I will never forget how hard my journey was. Infertility SUCKS and I hope my story has given women who suffer from it some hope. Please don't ever give up!

I am going to start a pregnancy blog, as I don't want to upset anyone. Once I have it set up, I will provide the link.

I would like to thank everyone who has supported me during the way. May your hopes and dreams come true one day!

PREGNANT!!!!!!

The digital says 1-2 weeks OMFG!!!!!!

After 3 years of hell and LOADS of money later, we finally did it!

My Dollar Store Test is Positive!

I am so confused. As you can see this dollar store test is very positive. I took 4 dollar store tests that all had very dark lines like this one. The only problem is that my first response keeps coming back with faint lines or are negative. I am totally confused and don't get it. I got DH to pee on a dollar store test and his was stark white negative, so I'm pretty sure this isn't an evap. Why on earth hasn't the FRER been dark? Are dollar store tests really more sensitive than FRERs? I'm driving myself crazy with these tests lol. Am I pregnant, or am I just having bad luck with tests?

DH is the best. He is at the drugstore as we speak getting me some digitals. I can't drive because of my vision and he told me to stay home while he goes out to get me tests. I love that man.

What the hell is going on with this damn test?

My Tweaked Test

I tweaked my test and so see a line. When I tweaked my test from yesterday and the day before, I saw nothing. Please let this be it. I only have 4 tests left lol. I am going to use one later tonight and then again tomorrow. That will leave me with 2 tests that I will use on Monday.

I think it worked.

So I woke up this morning and took a FRER and within seconds the faintest pink line showed up. It's so light that it's hard to see, but without a doubt it is there. I'm not getting my hopes up yet since the test could be faulty or I'm just seeing things. I have peed on millions of tests within the past 3 years and have only seen second lines when I was taking HCG. This time I didn't need to have a trigger shot, so why else would there be a line? Maybe I am just getting my hopes up and seeing things, I don't know. In a few hours I will pee again lol.
Here's my test from this morning 4dp5dpt:

My symptoms so far

I know some of you may think it's too early to feel symptoms and that most symptoms are caused by medications, but the fact that I have been taking estrogen and progesterone for a long time now, and my symptoms just started yesterday, makes me think that they may be real. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I did have 2 perfect embryos placed in my uterus so there's a good chance I could be pregnant. (I hope I didn't jinx myself by saying that). These are my symptoms:

1. fatigue/exhaustion
2. irritability
3. extreme hunger
4. weird and vivid dreams
5. mild uterine cramping and pinching
6. a weird taste in my mouth that tastes like blood
7. very bad headaches (I NEVER get headaches)

I'm not sure if these symptoms mean anything, but a girl can wish right? After 3 years of trying to have a baby, I notice every little thing that is going on in my body. DH said that I have been acting very strange lately and he has noticed a difference in my personality. 

The only problem is my gut is telling me that I'm not pregnant. Deep down I can feel that this hasn't worked. I hate feeling like this. I wish I wasn't so negative all of the time, and it doesn't help that my FRERs are coming back negative. I know 3dp5dpt is insanely early, so I have to keep that in mind. Someone at the RBA told me that in the past month 3 ladies had negative HPTs but had positive betas. My blood test is scheduled for this Wednesday and I have no idea how to keep sane until then lol. I will continue to pee on pregnancy tests until then and hope that a second line shows. As soon as I wake up tomorrow I will take another FRER. If it was negative today I don't see it being positive tomorrow, but you never know. The idea of getting pregnant just seems impossible. I feel my odds of winning the $50 million lotto max tonight are better than seeing a second line on a test lol. 

Some Embryo Photoshop Fun

Yeah, I have way too much time on my hands lol. I have been playing around with my embryo on photoshop and have made a couple of pictures. I suck at photoshop and am just learning to use it.


I am going to continue to make my embryo look pretty lol. I just need to think of some ideas.

Let The Daily Testing Begin!

My plan this cycle was to test every day after my transfer. Yesterday I tested and saw absolutely nothing, obviously. Today I tested thinking I wouldn't see anything, but I swear I see the faintest of faintest line. It's probably my eyes playing tricks on me, but I'm having fun so that's all that matters. I know from past experiences not to get my hopes up. I also know that 2dp5dpt is waaaay too early, but I need something to keep my mind preoccupied so why not test every day? lol.

Here's my picture of todays test. It's a bit blurry, but if you look closely there's a hint of a pink line.

I don't think it worked

I had my transfer yesterday and today I am convinced it hasn't worked. I know it's still early, but I'm pretty sure this isn't happening. This afternoon I started to feel very cranky and bitchy! I am majorly PMSing. I am so irritable that I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs for absolutely no reason at all. I have been seeing big spots of bright red blood when I wipe after using the washroom. I knew it was too good to be true. WTF is wrong with me? I don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I was so excited and hopeful yesterday, but that has all changed today. FML!

Embryo Transfer Complete!

I just finished my transfer, and everything went better than expected. I thought for sure all 4 of my embryos were going to die. When I went into the room for my transfer I saw one embryo on the screen so then I thought that it was the only embryo that made it. The embryologist came into the room to tell me that all 4 of my embryos made it to blasts and they were perfect. He insisted that I only transfer 1, but after going at this for so long I wanted the best chance so I begged him to transfer 2. After about 30 minutes of him saying no, he finally gave in and allowed me to transfer 2 lol. I'm not sure what the grades of the embryos are, but I was told they were the best they could be for day 5. Not only did we have 2 transferred, but we also have 2 frozen embryos. I am so excited to finally be at this point, as I never thought I would make it to a transfer. I am feeling very confident. I know that may be a bad thing because I don't want to get my hopes up. I have had my hopes up many times before, but this time is different, it's something we have never done before.

Even though I had 2 transferred, they gave me a picture of 1. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I thought a blast would have had more going on. I guess it's time to google like crazy lol.

Fertilization Report and Other Stuff.

Yesterday DH gave a sample and our 8 eggs were thawed. I got a message today from the RBA that 4 out of the 8 eggs fertilized and are at the 2 PN stage right now. I'm a bit discouraged by the report. I think the average fertilization rate of frozen eggs at the RBA is something like 70-90%. If only 4 eggs were fertilized I wonder how many will grow properly and be ready for transfer. I am freaking out thinking that they will all arrest and I will have none to transfer. I was expecting a better fertilization report, so I am a bit sad and worried as hell. I am seeing my doctor on Monday and will find out then if the 4 embryos made it. Let's just say that this is going to be a torturous weekend and I'm not going to stop worrying. I hope and pray that all 4 make it and we will be successful, but I have the worst luck it seems when it comes to my fertility that I just don't know anymore. Oh well, it's out of my hands and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. All I can do is hope for the best. I just wish I wasn't the worrying type.

The weather here in Atlanta is pretty shitty, it's cold and gloomy just like at home in Toronto. I miss my puppy a lot and can't wait to see him again when I get home. My parents are at my house taking care of him and my mom said that he woke her up in the middle of the night crying. This is not like him at all. He never wakes up through the night. I'm guessing he misses DH and I, poor thing.

We are for sure going to Universal Studios in Orlando tomorrow. It's a 6 hour drive so we have to wake up very early. We will leave here around 6am, stay there for a few hours and return to Atlanta sometime at night. I have always wanted to go to Universal Studios so I can't wait!!! When I was 14 and at my aunt's house, she told her kids right in front of my brothers and I that she was taking them to Universal Studios. I will never forget how happy her kids were when they found out, but I will definitely not forget how sad my brothers and I were when she told them right in front of us. What kind of an adult does that? It was one of the meanest things that anyone has ever done to me as a child. I spent the whole day at her house listening to her kids saying, "haha, we get to go to Florida and you don't". My aunt then proceeded to tell us that we would never get the chance to go to Florida because we were too poor to afford it. What a BITCH! Why did she have to tell her kids in front of us, and why couldn't she have told them when we left her house? It was like, gee let's invite my niece and nephews over so we can brag to them how we get to go to Florida and they don't. Well, 17 years later and karma sure has shown itself to her. Thanks karma! Okay, so that was off topic, but it was bugging me so I had to get it off my chest.

Progesterone in Oil Was Painless

My old crook of an RE told me that progesterone given by a needle was painful and expensive. What a liar that idiot was. First of all, it's not that expensive. After insurance it came to $30 for 2 vials, $154 without insurance. The suppositories that the crook sold me were $100 per cycle. They were gross and disgusting. After a suppository I needed to lie down for at least 20 minutes so it wouldn't leak out of me. I always had to wear a pad because the suppositories, well you know. The progesterone suppositories were nasty and way worse than the progesterone sesame oil.

The progesterone in oil was very easy and painless. I would rather have PIO than suppositories any day. If you are afraid of pain from progesterone needles, don't be since they were a piece of cake. The only down side to the progesterone oil is that it's very thick so it's hard to draw up with the syringe. The needle I was terrified of was nothing and I can't believe I was nervous about it for so long. The old RE told me it would leave huge welts but it left nothing. I had no pain during or after the needle. It was a huge relief.

This morning DH and I went to the RBA so he could give a sample. At some point today my eggs will be thawed and fertilized. I'm not sure if they are going to call me with a fertilization report or not. It says on my protocol that they will in a couple of days, but I have read online that they don't. I'm going to see my doctor on Monday for a trial embryo transfer and then go back on Tuesday for the actual transfer. On Wednesday DH and I will fly home and wait to test. Now I'm sitting in the hotel while DH is working. He can work anywhere that has a wifi connection.  Now I'm trying to figure out what there is to do in Atlanta. I'm bored lol.

PIO Shot

Tomorrow is the day when I start PIO and I'm freaking out a bit about it. I don't usually mind needles, but this one is kind of scaring me because DH is giving it to me and he has no idea what he's doing lol. If this wasn't an intramuscular injection I wouldn't be that worried, but since I was told it's possible for the needle to hit a nerve and my leg could go numb, I am scared. If a doctor was giving me the needle I wouldn't be worried. The needle is so long. Why couldn't they make a progesterone shot that you can take once a week instead of once a day?

Why can't I be normal and get pregnant easily? The other day my husband's uncle asked us when we were going to have kids and we told him that we were trying but it's taking us longer than it should. He said that at least trying is the fun part LMAO!!!! Oh only if he knew the hell we are going through. I don't know anyone who had to go on an airplane to a different country just to get knocked up. Most people can have sex to get pregnant.

Estrogen Side Effects

At first the estrogen patches weren't giving me any issues but now they are starting to become very annoying. They hurt like hell! It feels like they're burning off my skin. I am now wearing four at a time and I hate them with a passion. My skin is dark red where the patches are and very sore. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this, and my stupid pharmacist said that there's no other brand. I'm having a hard time believing that crap. There's no way in hell that these big stupid things are the only patches they sell, there's just no way. I'm kind of getting sick of the pharmacist blowing smoke up my ass and lying to me. Our insurance only covers generic brands, and even though I told the pharmacist that I don't care if I have to pay extra money for better patches, he still says that these are the only ones I can get. I had no idea that skin could get this red and the stupid pharmacist doesn't seem to care. I have an appointment with the doctor in the US on Monday so I am going to show her what these stupid patches have done to me in hopes that she will put me on a different kind of estrogen. The Dr. in Atlanta prescribed Vivelle Dot Patches, but they're not sold in Canada. I wonder if I get a prescription for them in the US if a pharmacy there can fill it. If I can't get Vivelle Dot patches or a different form of estrogen I'm going to ask the fertility specialist here if there's another type of patch.

Not only is the estrogen irritating my skin, it's also making me quite cranky. I've been in a bad mood ever since starting them and it gets worse every time I increase the dose. My butt is swollen from the patches. I'm bloated everywhere to the point where my clothes aren't fitting me. I am always exhausted, I'm not sure if that's from the lupron or the estrogen but since I got more tired once I added estrogen I'm going to blame it on that.

Tomorrow I get to add a whole bunch of other crap to the mix of drugs I'm taking...YAY me!

Things to Do In Atlanta

The countdown to Atlanta is on. In 4 days DH and I will be on an airplane flying south for fertility treatment. I never imagined in my life that I would need to leave the country for a medical procedure. Socialized medicine in Canada sucks! You certainly do get what you pay for. DH and I have never been to Atlanta and don't have the slightest idea what we will do when we are there besides uncomfortable medical stuff. DH wants to go to the aquarium and I would like to go on tour of The Walking Dead set, but besides that I'm lost for ideas. Our hotel is right next to a mall so I can see us doing a lot of shopping, yay for cheap stuff and sales! Here in Canada everything is expensive. I can buy a pair of shoes in the US for a third of what it costs here.

Out of the blue, DH told me he wants to go to The Simpsons Springfield in Orlando. I thought he meant in a few years from now, but he wants to go while we are in Atlanta lol. We are renting a car and it takes 6 hours to drive to Orlando from Atlanta, well maybe 3 hours with the way DH drives lol. Of course since he mentioned Florida I became really happy and have been bugging him to go. He loves The Simpsons so yesterday while he was working I sent him this picture via ichat to remind him about it.

He was quite surprised when he saw a message from me because I never use ichat lol. He started laughing loudly and said thanks for planting the seed. Hmmm, he's the one that planted the seed in the first place lol. It's not a for sure thing yet because DH hurt his back a while ago and can't do much. He said we will go depending on how he feels when we're in Atlanta. He loves The Simpsons so much that I'm sure he's going to want to go. I think it would be good for the both of us to go to Orlando and get things off of our mind. This is a very stressful time for the both of us and entertainment is healthy.

I'm not totally sure what we will do there yet and since I'm such a planner, it's kind of bugging me. I'm sure we will have lots of fun whatever we do. When I get home I will do an Atlanta/Orlando review lol. If anyone reading this lives in or around Atlanta please give me some suggestions.

Lining Check

For the first time in months I was at a fertility clinic getting an ultrasound. DH and I woke up around 6 this morning for my appointment. DH is great, he's my number one supporter and is by my side for everything. He always comes to my appointments and has never missed one. That's what best friends are for, they're always by your side. I feel so grateful to have him as my husband. I never believed in love or soul mates until he came along.

I was a bit nervous about todays ultrasound for a few reasons.

1.  I wasn't sure if my lining would be thick enough to continue my cycle. (It's never thick)
2.  I was afraid the ultrasound tech wouldn't be nice, and was nervous that someone else would be looking at my private parts lol.
3. I thought I would have a hard time getting results faxed to the US clinic we are using.

I am happy to announce that everything turned out great and everything is going as planned. My lining was better than ever at 10.4mm and is trilaminar! 

At my old clinic my lining was never trilaminar and was always double layered. My scam artist of a doctor said that it never mattered how many layers my lining was, as long as it is over 5mm. I am so happy to be out of that place. I was so happy when my nurse called me this morning to say that my lining, according to the ultrasound technician, was the best she has ever seen for someone on estrogen patches. While I was there the tech told me that my lining was perfect, beautiful and fabulous, something I never heard anyone say.

For once in this journey everything is going great. Before my IVF cycle, I wasn't confident at all that it would work. I was a maniac thinking that something would go wrong, and it turned out I was right. This time I'm very confident and deep down can feel that it will work and I will finally have my long awaited BFP. 

I'm Starting to Feel Better

Trying to get pregnant has been one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I used to be in a very dark place during TTC. Everything made me depressed and I wasn't interested in things that I normally find interesting. I'm a huge TV fan, yeah I'll admit that I am a couch potato. There's nothing more I enjoy than sitting in front of the TV with my laptop. To some of you that may sound pathetic, but it's what I enjoy. For the longest time I lost interest in TV and my computer because I found it hard to concentrate on anything. And it seemed as if everything I watched on TV had something to do with pregnancy. We saved $20 a month on electricity from keeping the TV off lol. I found it hard to go outside because everywhere we went I saw a pregnant woman or teenager. I love shopping but couldn't bring myself to go to a mall out of fear for what I might have seen. I stopped participating in online support groups for infertility because I found it really hard to give support to others when I was feeling so down myself. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes I would spend hours crying. I was so frustrated and confused about infertility.

For whatever reason I have changed. I don't feel bitter and depressed like I used to feel. Instead of feeling sad and angry towards pregnant women, I am happy for them. I'm glad they're pregnant and  hope that they didn't have to go through what I am to get their baby. I don't wish infertility on anyone and pray that women don't have to go through hell to have families.

Yesterday I looked for some old online friends to see how they were doing. Most of them have babies and some are pregnant with their second or third. I was looking at pictures of their families and was so excited for them. It was great to see how happy they were and how much their babies have grown. I did this once before and regretted it and cried as soon as I saw pictures of their babies. But yesterday was different. I wasn't sad at all looking at pictures of their children and could only think of how happy I am for them.

I also find it easier to browse through forums, and for the first time in years I like to look at pregnancy tests, especially squinters lol.

I'm afraid I will turn bitter again if my egg donor cycle doesn't work, but I know we have tried almost everything to achieve our goal and feel lucky DH and I are in a position to afford IVF with donor eggs.

The only thing that's on my mind...

By the end of this month I will know if my cycle has worked. I may use a FRER 10DPO. If I can find a good deal on them, I'll take one every day after my transfer. I don't know what I will do yet. Do I want to surprise myself and wait? Or do I want to take one every day?

Ovary pain and EWCM, this could be a problem.

Yesterday I began to have ovulation pains and EWCM. Now I'm starting to freak out thinking that the Lupron isn't doing it's job and I am going to ovulate. If Lupron is working and I'm not ovulating, then why am I having ovulation pains, could I have cysts? I guess I will find out on Friday when I have my lining check. The EWCM could be from the estrogen patches. Since I started my cycle, I have been worried about every little thing that could go wrong.  I pray that my ultrasound on Friday is normal. It's hard to believe we are leaving in little over a week.

Estrogen Patch Trouble

The good news about the estrogen patches is that they don't make me itchy. I have sensitive skin and break out easily in rashes when I come into contact with certain things. I have two doctors, one in Georgia and one here in Toronto. The doctor in Georgia orders my medication and then the doctor here prescribes it. Not too long ago I noticed that my estrogen patches are different from the ones that the Georgia doctor ordered for me. They are different brand names, but this could be a problem. I am supposed to be taking Vivelle Dot patches, but since they don't have Vivelle dot patches here in Canada my pharmacist gave me these huge ass circle patches. Eventually I will need to have 4 patches on at once, and I don't think that's possible because there are only a few parts of my body where they can go. Look at how big this thing is:



I guess as long as the patches give me the same amount of medication as the ones that were ordered there shouldn't be any problems. I want to email the egg coordinator, but I am scared that she will delay my cycle and tell me that I have to use another form of estrogen. We already booked our plane tickets so I don't want to risk my cycle being delayed. I asked my pharmacist if he can get me a smaller patch and he said he would look into it. Yesterday I wasted 3 patches because it wouldn't stick to me. Because these things are so big, they crumple up on me and I get worried thinking that maybe they're not working like they should be.

I just realized something, the donor egg program we are in has to be completed within 2 years. That means that if it doesn't work, I will have to spend the next 2 years on injections, pills and patches. That's a lot of drugs, I hope I can handle it.

I'm a bit sad

Today is Halloween and you would never know it. DH and I live in a condo where trick or treating isn't allowed so we didn't buy any candy or decorations. We don't have any kids to take trick or treating or to dress up, and my dog is getting too old to wear a costume. For the last 3 years we dressed him up and it was always a struggle so I decided not to torture him anymore lol. He also has this weird thing where he hates getting his picture taken. When I take out my phone or a camera he runs away and hides. Maybe it has to do with all of the times I have dressed him up and taken pictures of him. What's the point of dressing him up if he won't let me get a picture?

As a child I loved Halloween. It was something that I always looked forward to, but now I dread occasions like this. So, this halloween has made me a bit emotional, maybe it's because of the Lupron or estrogen or maybe it's because of Halloween, I don't know. I'm thinking tomorrow I will have a pity party and eat a few thousand calories worth of price reduced chocolate/candy.

I Have My Protocol

I got AF 10 days after my first Lupron injection. The first thing I did after waking up was email the egg bank coordinator to tell her. Unfortunately, the clinic is delayed by a week and I can't start my cycle until Wednesday :(.  I was told to decrease my Lupron to 5 units. Apply one estrogen patch until Saturday and then change it.  On Wednesday, October 30. I will begin my cycle. On Friday, November 8 I will have an ultrasound to measure my lining. On November 13 DH and I will be on an airplane to go to Georgia. On November 14, DH will give a sample and our eggs will be thawed and fertilized. On November 18, I will meet with the doctor and have a trial embryo transfer. That is so they can measure the lining of my uterus so they can know where to put the embryo(s). On November 19, I will have my transfer and on November 20 DH and I will return home.

The only thing that is standing in my way is my lining. My lining is always quite thin and never has a triple layer so this is concerning me. The only reason why I'm not that worried is because of the meds I am taking. This is a whole new protocol that I have never been on, one that my former doctor wouldn't even consider. He would never let me take estrogen. I went in to his office practically begging for it and there was no way on earth he was budging. The estrogen patches are going to make my lining thick and fluffy and if I keep thinking that, I won't have to worry about any lining issues. The fact that I'm wearing an estrogen patch for an extra week should be enough for my lining to grow properly. I always thought that my lining was never quite ready during ovulation because the drugs caused my follicles to grow rapidly and I ovulated too early. I don't have to worry about any follicles, the only thing that is being treated right now is my uterus. Most of the drugs I am taking is to prepare the uterus so an embryo can implant. The goal of my new clinic is to get me pregnant and out of their program as quickly as possible. If I get pregnant the first go they get money that they wouldn't get if I get pregnant on my second go, so it's in their best interest to get us pregnant and get us out of there, unlike our other clinic who would take little bits of money and keep us there just so they could screw us.

I was Worried for Nothing

I have been worried that AF wouldn't come after Lupron, but it came last night. I am so excited to have one less thing to worry about. As soon as I got out of bed this morning, I emailed my nurse to ask when I can start putting estrogen patches on, and now I am waiting for her to get back to me. It all depends on their schedule when I start the next part of my cycle. It could be a few days before I start estrogen depending on how busy they are. I really hope they say I can start estrogen today so I can book plane tickets and a hotel room. It's crazy to think that if all goes according to plan we could be there in 14 days. I can't believe that I am finally going to have an embryo in me. I never had an embryo before.

I Did It.

I went to the hospital yesterday to meet my new cousin, and it went better than expected. I was not sad at all when I was there. When I was holding the baby, it was like infertility escaped my mind. Not once while holding her did I think of how hard it is for DH and I to have a baby, all I could think of was her and how much I loved her. She is very tiny and it was amusing to watch the movements she was making like opening her eyes and mouth. She was tightly wrapped in a blanket and from time to time her little arm would pop out of it. I am very surprised at how well I did. I thought for sure that I would have a breakdown, but not once did I get sad, in fact I was quite happy. I didn't want to put the baby down. I would have stayed there all day and night if I could lol. I am actually tempted to go back there today, but I'm not because it's too far.  So, what I thought was going to be a bad day turned out to be a good day and I'm very proud of myself for not going insane.

What is making me insane, however, is this damn Lupron. WHERE THE HECK IS AF? Why isn't she here yet? She should have been here days ago. I am 13dpo and this is unusual for me. I am starting to get a bit worried that AF has gone away and won't come back. If she's not here by next week I have to contact my nurse to see what I need to do.  This is making me quite anxious. For the last couple of days I didn't want to take my medicine, but DH won't let me not take it. I guess I will just have to be patient and wait for AF.

I Can Do This

Go to the hospital tomorrow that is. Yup I am going to the worst part of the hospital, the labour and delivery ward. A new family member is being born by c-section and I am going to meet her. I was at the delivery for my cousin's other 3 kids so I can't not be there for him time. I remember when I found out his girlfriend was pregnant I cried for hours and hours straight. I hate being reminded how hard it is to conceive, and when I find out someone is pregnant that's exactly what happens. This baby was unplanned and my cousin wasn't very pleased when he found out. It's so weird how people who don't want babies can have them left right and centre and people who do want them can't or it takes them years of trying. I just can't figure out life sometimes. Although I wasn't happy about this pregnancy, I am ecstatic to have a newborn baby in the family. I remember in my early 20's being so upset when no one in my family was pregnant. I kept wishing that someone would have a baby for the family lol. I still feel the same way, I just most of the time (okay all of the time) wish it was me having a baby.  

I'm still not sure if I want to go, but only because the hospital is 2 hours away from me and what happens if I have a nervous breakdown while I am there? My mom has a mean friend who works at this hospital and I don't want to run into her. I decided a long time ago to never see this person again no matter what under any circumstances because she has turrets syndrome and always gets into fights with people. This is the mother of my ex-pregnant bully, they are the worst human beings on this planet. I am hoping that no fights are started with me on the baby ward because I might just lose it. I can't see her being a bitch while she's at work, but you never know. 

I have 2 great excuses not to go the hospital, but I am going to be strong and go. I want to be there for my cousin and I want to meet the baby. 

Lupron is Delaying my Period

AF should have been here by now but of course the one time I want her to show up she doesn't.  If this was a normal cycle I would be off to the drugstore to buy a HPT, but this isn't a normal cycle and there is no chance that I am pregnant. The faster AF comes the faster I get my phase 2 protocol and get possible embryo transfer dates. My temperatures are down but not down enough to get AF. For the last few days I have been really crampy and keep getting excited that AF is finally going to start but nothing happens. I scared myself by reading that Lupron can cause cysts which will delay your period. Since all other fertility medications give me cysts, I am pretty sure that Lupron will do the same thing. If AF doesn't come in a week I have to tell the nurse from the agency and I have no idea what will happen at that point. In the past when I got cysts the doctors never cared and said they would go away on their own. However, I have a feeling that won't happen with the my new doctor. I can see her wanting me to have some sort of medical treatment to get rid of cysts and I am terrified to know what kind of treatments. I thought that for sure we would be down there in the first week of November, but now it's looking like it may not be until the end of November which won't be good since that's when American Thanksgiving is. I guess as long as we are down there before Christmas it won't be a huge deal. I want to get there before the snow comes and don't want to risk any chances of plane cancellations or delays. It doesn't snow where we are going, but I have a feeling that Toronto is going to get hit with one of the worst snowstorms ever this year. I keep worrying about every little thing that might go wrong. When I stop worrying about one thing, I start worrying about something else.

I Hate Lupron

I'm on day 3 of Lupron and I don't like it very much. It has too many unwanted side effects that I wish would just go away. The most annoying side effect so far has been the exhaustion. I am always too tired and don't want to do anything but sleep. Yesterday I had a nap for 7 hours and then slept for 10 hours not long after my nap. All I can think about is my pillow which sucks because I hate sleeping. I hate the feeling of being tired, groggy and not well rested. Another awesome side effect is the hunger. I can't stop eating or thinking of food. The day of my first needle I had a bad craving for pizza so when I smelled it coming through my window the next morning (I live up the street from a pizza place), I ordered some for brunch lol. This morning I woke up craving a Big Mac. My whole body is achy and sore. I have been moody and emotional. Everything makes me weepy. I also get bad hot flashes, mild headaches, blurred vision, slurred speech, weird dreams and leg cramps.

I hope my period comes soon. The sooner it gets here the sooner I can stop Lupron. AF should be here in about 4 days, but I have read that Lupron can delay it. If I don't get a period in 11 days, I have to call the clinic so they can order tests to find out why AF didn't come.

Some Good News

The agency DH and I are getting eggs from normally thaws a batch of six eggs for the recipient. However, I found out today that DH and I will be getting a batch of eight eggs instead because it's the donors first time donating eggs and DH and I were the first to pick her. I feel so blessed and I am very excited. I am so excited that I can't keep it in, and I just feel the need to tell someone, anyone. It would be so great to have all eight eggs thaw and fertilize, transfer two and have six to freeze. That's unlikely to happen but would be nice.  I am surprised at how much information I received on the donor. I was told how many eggs she produced (I am jealous) and how many recipients have reserved her eggs amongst other things. I am trying to think of other questions to ask about her but can't think of anything.

I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but DH and I got a fortune cookie the same day we decided to do IVF with donor eggs that had, "your present plans are going to succeed". Tonight we had chinese food (we eat it quite often) and both of our fortune cookies had positive and meaningful things written on them. DH's fortune had, "you will soon get something special because of your charm" and my fortune had, "a surprise announcement will free you". A positive pregnancy test would not only be a surprise but also will free the number one question I have been wondering for almost 3 years now, 'will I ever get pregnant?'.

For the first time in years I finally feel confident that I will be pregnant. I have always had doubt, even when I was a teenager and before I wanted kids. For whatever reason I kept thinking that I wouldn't be able to have children. I now know that is partially true, I probably won't ever get pregnant using my own eggs but from the gift of donor eggs I will have a child that DH and have wanted for so long now.

Donor egg protocol.

I got my IVF protocol the other day and wow am I ever going to be on a lot of drugs. I felt like a heroin addict yesterday after going to the fertility clinic to pick up 2 huge bags of syringes. I keep wondering if I would have ever gotten pregnant if the doctors here gave me some of the drugs that I will be taking next cycle. But because I don't respond to FSH I probably wouldn't have.

On day 21 of this cycle (next Sunday) I will be starting 10 units of lupron every morning. Once my period comes I will reduce the lupron to 5 units a day and add estrogen patches. I will start off with one estrogen patch then increase it to four estrogen patches a day. I have sensitive skin so I am hoping the patches don't make me react. On cycle day 10 of estrogen, otherwise known as DOC10, I will go in for an ultrasound to see if my lining is thick enough to set an egg thaw date. On cycle day 15 of estrogen I will begin taking 25mg of progesterone IM, Doxycycline, and Medrol. This will also be the day when DH and I go to the US. On cycle day 16 DH will give a sample and the clinic will thaw a batch of eggs for us. On cycle day 17 I will stop taking Lupron, but continue to take estrogen and progesterone. Depending on how the embryos grow, my transfer will be on cycle day 19 or cycle day 21. The clinic said they aim for a day 5 transfer. After the transfer we will fly home and wait to POAS. If I get a positive pregnancy test I have to stay on the progesterone and estrogen until the 12th week of pregnancy. I have been told that progesterone shots hurt like hell and are quite nasty, but I usually don't mind needles so I am hoping that this won't be any different.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for us. The thought of never having a child depresses me. I must admit that as time has gone by I have been getting less and less depressed. I have my moments, but not as many as I used to. If all goes as planned we will be in the US at the beginning of November.

Choosing our donor

Not that long ago we got access to an egg donor database. The database was huge and felt a bit overwhelming at first but when we narrowed it down the choice was easy. After carefully looking through all the donors we narrowed it down to four. Out of those four it was quite easy to cut two out of the equation based on their health records. One had multiple miscarriages and had relatives who also had several miscarriages. I was told that this doesn't mean I would miscarry, but if I were to have a baby girl she would be at risk for miscarriages.  We dropped her from our list, as I don't want to risk it. The next donor has a child with heart conditions and has had relatives die young from heart diseases and cancer. That left us with two potential donors. One of the donors didn't have as much information as the others. When I asked the nurse about that she said it was because her profile was old. We decided not to go with her for that and because DH liked the other donor more.

That left us with one. Out of all the donors DH thought that she was the cutest as a child and liked her the most from the start. She doesn't look anything like me, but she does have a lot of DH's features and has my body structure and is the same height. I liked her answers on the questionnaire she filled out.  All of her genetic testing came back normal and she has no major health problems in her family. She has grandparents that are alive and in their 80's which is a plus. She is college educated, seems very ambitious and has good future goals.

There were so many questions that she answered. One of the questions was, "if you could write a message to the child born through the participation of donating your eggs once he/she turns 18, what would it be?" For obvious reasons I am not going reveal her answer, but it was really nice and left me in tears. If this does work and we do have a child, we plan on telling them that they were conceived with donor eggs. I saved and printed the questionnaire and all of the donor's photos that we were given. 

I am very happy with our decision and can't wait to for the embryo transfer next month. I'm feeling very optimistic which could be a bad thing. I had my hopes up so many times for so many years just to be let down and I don't want that to happen again so I am trying not to be that excited.

IVF with donor eggs it is.

It has been confirmed that I will be having IVF with donor eggs. After giving it much thought, DH and I decided that this was the best thing to do for several reasons. My body does not produce enough eggs even on high doses of FSH. I attempted IVF and didn't even make it to the retrieval. I knew that if I kept trying IVF with my own eggs at that crappy clinic we would never have a baby. Fertility medication is very expensive and every IVF cycle that we attempt would have costed too much. There's a $300 administrative fee per cycle (completed or not), and then there's the cost of an IUI if the cycle gets cancelled. I don't want to take the risk of attempting IVF with my own eggs just to have the cycle cancelled or fail.

Anyway, when the old clinic first suggested donor eggs I knew they wanted to scam us into buying eggs from a donor agency that they use in the US. Their price for 1 cycle is $24,000 but if you use the agency they use, the price for 1 cycle is $16,000 or $30,000 for 5 cycles. AND if you don't get pregnant after the 5 cycles you get half your money back. Why use a middleman when you can go right to the source for a better deal? I could have probably put an ad on Kijiji or something lol, but I think going through an agency is the safest thing to do.

We have chosen a donor and will have the transfer sometime in November if all goes according to plan.

Fertility Clinic Vent (very long)

A lot has happened since I stopped blogging.  I got excited that we were doing IVF but at the same time I was worried about it. I didn't think that my doctor had my best interest in mind when he put me on a bad protocol and insisted that there weren't any others that we could try. I knew from the start that the cycle would get cancelled, but I went along with my doctors plan anyway to prove to him that it wouldn't work in hopes that he would try a different protocol for our next try. I hate saying this, but I was right and my doctor was wrong. Our IVF cycle went horribly wrong. I did not respond to the medicine properly. Instead of creating a lot of follicles, the meds caused one to grow out of control. After 3 days of stims and on cycle day 6 I had 1 follicle that was 18mm. The nurse went in her pocket and took out a folded piece of lined paper where they kept notes with a pen and showed me that I had 5 smaller follicles. I wanted to cancel the cycle but our doctor told us to wait an extra day so the other follicles would catch up. Stupidly taking his advice, DH and I bought the expensive remaining drugs and went to the fertility clinic the next day just to find out that there was no change. We cancelled the cycle and saw our doctor again. He told us that we should try again but with a higher dose of medications. I knew that wasn't going to work so I said no and told him the protocol I wanted to try but of course he refused to go with my way. I know my body and how it responds to meds. I did a lot of research and found another protocol, but my doctor told me that the internet was crap and I shouldn't listen to anything I read on the internet. I then asked him what would happen if my IVF cycles didn't work and he suggested donor eggs. I was so annoyed with his lack of options and that he wasn't open to my suggestions so I asked if he could refer me to another doctor who might have an idea. I don't think he liked that very much because that's when things started to get BAD for me. The next day when I had my IUI done by him he was very rude and physically hurt me. I would like to think that he didn't hurt me intentionally, but I am pretty sure that it was. I am in tears writing this because I feel so violated. When he inserted the catheter into me I screamed at the top of my lungs in agony. The doctor smiled and said that he accidentally used the big catheter and it was okay because I liked them big anyway. I really want to complain to someone but am afraid to.

The clinic said right from the beginning that if our cycle was cancelled we could get all of our money back minus the IUI and a $300 administrative fee for the cycle. After my horrid IUI I wanted to leave that place and never turn back so DH and I went to the reception and asked to get our IVF money back, but of course that didn't go over well. They didn't refund us what they owed us. They only gave us the cost of the IVF back, but never gave us the $1000 for ICSI. They also charged a $300 administrative fee for 2 cycles. The reception argued with us about it and then out of the blue turned to me and said that if I don't want any problems and ever wanted treatment done again that I would need to have a meeting with the medical director, who by the way was away because he was having back surgery. DH told them that he would just tell the CC company that services weren't rendered.


Because I was never going back to that awful clinic, I asked for my chart to be emailed to me. When I received it I couldn't believe what I saw. The fertility clinic lied on my records. They lied about the drugs I was had been on and the doses. My records say that I wasn't taking any medications when I was. I assume they made fake records because they were given me way too much medication that could have seriously hurt me. I was on Femara almost every cycle taking 5 - 12.5 mg at once. The lined piece of paper that the nurse showed me during my IVF cycle wasn't the same as the actual IVF record that they emailed me. My actual records said that I only had 3 follicles and not 6 like the lined paper had. This record also said that I was taking no medication when I was on a whole bunch of things.

At the end of my IVF cycle I started to feel really weird. I was in a lot of pain and felt like something was leaking inside of my legs, ovaries and uterus. Before I asked for a second opinion and everything was okay at the clinic, the IVF nurse said that she would be there for at any time of my cycle and if I needed anything at all to call or email  her, yet when I was concerned and needed her I couldn't get a hold of her, or anyone at the clinic for that matter. I still don't know what was wrong with me, but as soon as my period started I passed a clot the size of the toilet and felt a lot better. This was months ago and the clinic never did follow up with me. You think they would want to make sure I was okay after  giving me all of those IVF medications, oh yeah but that's not on their records so I guess they don't care.

DH and I have realized that we were being screwed by this clinic big time! All they cared about was money. They strung us along knowing that nothing they were doing would work and nickeled and dimed us. When I went there for the first time they led me to believe that I couldn't buy fertility medication at a normal pharmacy and said that if we were to buy our medication elsewhere we would have to pay them $75 per cycle. That must have pissed people off because they stopped that.

I cannot believe I wasted 2 years with those crooks. I have more stories about them that would make anyone cringe but this is getting long so I'll get to those later.

In my next post I will write about our new plans.

To Be Continued...

I have to stop blog writing for now, however, I will be back after IVF to share my experience.

IVF with ICSI Short Protocol.

Yesterday it was confirmed that we will be moving on to IVF next cycle.  I went to the fertility clinic yesterday for my routine blood test and ultrasound. I also had a sonohysterogram and saw my RE. My SHG came back normal which was a relief. After the sono was over I saw my RE to discuss a protocol.  We decided on the short protocol. On CD1 I have to call the clinic to make an appointment for a baseline ultrasound, and if everything is good then  they will stock me up with all kinds of fun drugs.

Here's what I will be taking:

• Puregon (250 iu)
• Menopur (150 iu)
• Cetrotide (once a lead follicle reaches 14mm)
• HCG (36 hours before retrieval)
• Progesterone suppositories (600mg/day after ovulation for hopefully 12 weeks ;) 

Because of DH's semen analysis and post wash history, our RE recommended ICSI (Intra cytoplasmic sperm injection). Instead of putting my eggs and DH's sperm in a petri dish to see if they fertilize on their own, they are going to inject the sperm into my eggs. My doctor said that he thinks I will get about 6 embryos which would make me very happy!

With my history, I keep thinking that I won't respond to medications and the cycle will be cancelled, however I'm confident that won't happen because I will be taking a whole new set of drugs that I have never had before. I'm on cycle day 11 right now and can't wait to get this started, although I would rather see 2 pink lines this cycle instead.

Insomnia due to infertility depression

It's 5am here and I can't sleep. Everyone keeps telling me I have nothing to be depressed about because it's no big deal that I can't get pregnant. They tell me that I'm overreacting and can't expect everything I want in life. According to everyone around me, without the exception of DH, I have no right to be depressed about this. Apparently, I'm nuts because I get sad seeing pregnant women. Does anyone know how I can feel the way everyone thinks I should feel? I don't know how to feel like a normal person who is in my situation struggling with infertility. When I told someone who I really care about and needed their support that I was going through IVF, all they had to say was oh yeah? Another person who I thought would be supportive told me that at least I won't have to go through anything during IVF. Um, that's not what the doctor said lol. When I told this person that it was invasive, she told me that I would get through it and it couldn't be that bad. Not even a good luck, or I hope it works, nothing but negativity. I have gotten no encouragement from anyone I know in real life. Everyone who I know that is pregnant is getting tons of support from the same people who could care less about my severe depression due to infertility.

I really wish I could feel the way I'm supposed to feel at a time like this, happy and not caring because IVF is no big deal according to the people I told. I have been trying so hard, but I can't feel the way everyone says I should feel. I'm such a big baby and hate it. I want to be a stronger person.

I haven't told anyone when we will be doing IVF, and I don't plan to either because it's obvious they don't care. From now on my struggle with getting pregnant will be kept to myself and my online friends. I'm sick of being told to stop talking about it when I do.

Sorry for being such a drama queen, but I needed to vent.

DH and I saw the IVF nurse today and hope to start after my next cycle

I didn't think that I needed to see my doctor before I saw an IVF nurse, so I made an appointment with her first...oops. That's okay though because she said she would see me again on the day that I see my doctor. I'm seeing the doctor to come up with a protocol that will be suited for me. I was happy to hear that because I didn't think I would be getting anything else besides 200 units of Gonal-F. The nurse said that because of my history as a poor responder I will most likely be on a combination of drugs. She said their goal is to turn you into a cat by making you produce lots of eggs at once instead of just one. On May 29 we will see our RE to come up with a protocol and then see the nurse after the appointment to go over the timeline and learn how to prepare and administer drugs. I know how to use a gonal-f pen and ovidrel comes prepared, but I have no clue how to prepare the other drugs that I will be on.

Today the nurse went over all of the consent forms that we need to sign and all of the fees. The actual IVF is $5800. ICSI will be $1000. If we are lucky enough to have extra embryos to freeze, that will cost $875 for freezing with a year of storage and $200 per year after that. If we want to use our leftover embryos (if we have any), it will cost $1000 for thawing and transferring. Our provincial insurance won't cover ultrasounds or blood work for an IVF cycle which is stupid, so that will cost $300 for the cycle. All together not including drugs IVF will cost $7975.

My last sonohystergram was in 2011, so the nurse said that I will need another one before I can do IVF. I'm going to have one this cycle that's coming up. After we see the doctor and nurse on May 29th we will start IVF as soon as they let us which will probably be in June. I'm not sure if I will be on the long protocol or the short protocol, but my guess is the short since I have read that the long isn't good for poor responders. So unless I get pregnant next cycle, it's on to IVF :( I'm excited about trying something new and am very thankful that it's an option for us, but I am pissed off that it has to come to this.

Shut up and take my money!

I saw a picture of baby twins wearing shirts that said buy one and get one free, so I added another picture to it to make it funny. I put it in a spoiler because seeing babies can sometimes be depressing. Sorry I didn't do it sooner.

picture:

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Last night DH went to the IVF information session. It lasted for about 2 hours and covered basically everything I knew already. They fed us sandwiches and tarts.  I have an appointment with a nurse next week to go over everything. At the end of May I'm going to see my doctor to talk about it. I think my body needs a break from all the medications I have been taking, so we probably won't start IVF for a couple of months. I got my chart the other day, but our original blood work and some of our sperm wash numbers were missing. I found it quite odd that on cycle day 3 they told me that my ultrasound looked great and I was good to continue my cycle, however, my chart says that I have a complicated cyst. I have also discovered that my TSH and prolactin is usually always too high every cycle, but yet no one has brought this up with me. I remember someone who had a short luteal phase with high prolactin, her doctor prescribed her something and shortly after that she got pregnant. Maybe they don't see it as a problem since sometimes it's normal? I hope that I'm worried about nothing and DH is the one who's the problem. If he's the problem, there's a better chance that IVF will work. After taking vitamins his concentration has improved, but his motility is under 50% and his morphology is under 4%. My doctor thinks he's the problem and IVF will work.

Cycle Day 13 Monitoring Update

My 23mm follicle is now at 25mm. My lining which was 7.2mm yesterday is now 6.9mm. Shouldn't it have got thicker? The doctor said it didn't shrink and that it was just a different measurement, but I always thought your lining should grow like your follicles do, 1-2mm a day. The nurse gave me forms to fill out so I can have my charts. She said it should be ready for me in about 5 days. My hope is that it will be ready on Tuesday when I go in next.

They gave me Ovidrel to take home and DH will inject me with it later tonight. DH is the best, he always gives me my injections. I could probably do it myself, but I feel safer when he does it for some reason, and I don't think he minds. I find it weird that I'm on cycle day 13 with a 25mm follicle and I'm not anywhere near surging. I wonder what would happen if I didn't take the Ovidrel, how big would that follicle get before my body ovulated on its own? I really hope that the clinic calls me today to tell me that I'm surging so I can save the Ovidrel. DH and I are going back to the clinic on Tuesday morning for an ovulation check. We'll be at the clinic twice and on Tuesday, once in the morning and at then for 3 hours at night lol.

I have a pet peeve when it comes to the fertility clinic, but when I vented on a forum about it I got some pretty nasty replies so this time I am going to vent about it on my blog. That's the good thing about blogging, you can say anything you want without people jumping down your throat. I was sitting down waiting to get my blood work done and all I hear is a little boy who is no more than 2 screaming, MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY while he was with his dad. This little boy was very loud and made it very obvious that he was there. It didn't bother me that he was loud or screaming for his mommy, it bothered me that he was there period! I have been going to this clinic for the last 1.5 years getting tortured on nearly a daily basis physically and emotionally so the last thing that I want to see at that place are babies. You would think that if you are going to a fertility clinic you would have some consideration for other patients by not bringing your baby with you. Some people will NEVER have the chance to have a baby, so wouldn't this woman think about this before she brought her baby with her? I know I could have looked at it as a success story, but if that woman was truly struggling with infertility she would have known better and left her baby at home. The father was with her, so why couldn't he have waited in the car? Why couldn't he have taken the kid to McDonald's or somewhere while waiting for the baby's mother? It is GORGEOUS outside, so why couldn't he have taken his very vocal less than 2 year old outside for a walk? Why on earth did these people bring their baby into the clinic knowing that there would be other couples there who are struggling? I wasn't the only one there who was upset, I could tell that a lot of other people were bothered by seeing this little boy run all over the place. Yeah, while the parents get to go home and be with their baby, I am now at home with the thought that I may never be a mother. Thanks a lot to the lady who ruined my day! DH was also very pissed. I don't think I have seen him so upset coming out of the fertility clinic. He told me that he subtly gave the the parents the finger lol. This is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to going to the clinic. Vent over. If whoever reads this feels differently than I do, I am sorry. Everyone handles infertility differently and I just happen to take it very hard. I'm extremely sensitive and things like this makes me sad. Blogging about situations like this is therapy for me.

Cycle Day 12 Monitoring Appointment and Random Stuff

We got up early to go to our home away from home, the fertility clinic. I had the usual poking and probing done. My dominant follicle was 23mm today, so it grew 2mm in 1 day which is normal. The doctor told me to get HCG today and then come back for my IUI, which is weird because I told them that I didn't want to do an IUI if I had less than 2 mature follicles. He asked me if I wanted to wait for one more day to see if my other little follicle catches up and I said sure, but I doubt it will be anywhere near mature since it was only 12mm. My body, however, sometimes does some crazy weird things so it is possible that the 12mm could grow but very unlikely. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, we will have the trigger shot. The only way that won't happen is if I surge on my own. I haven't been using my monitor or OPK's, but the clinic checks LH every day so they will call me when and if I surge. I may pee on a stick today anyway just for fun lol.

My lining today was 7.2mm which is normal, but still worries me that it's never in the double digits. I have read that birth control can thin your lining and since I was on it for 7 years, that could be what's causing it to be thinnish. I also wonder if it's thin because of my low ovarian reserve issues. A year ago when we did Gonal-F my lining went over 11mm, so I was sure that my last cycle on Gonal-F it would be the same, but it was only 6mm. A year ago while I was taking Gonal-F I was also taking baby aspirin and wondered if that had anything to do with my thick lining. Since my lining last cycle was thin and I wasn't taking baby aspirin, I'm thinking that maybe it was the baby aspirin that made my lining 11mm and not the Gonal-F. I started taking baby aspirin again about 5 days ago and I'm hoping that I will see a difference in my lining within the next few cycles. My original blood work with the fertility clinic showed that I have thick blood which may be why my lining is thin, and if that's the case, baby aspirin every day should fix that problem.

It really worries me that a year ago I responded well to Gonal-F, but now I don't. I'm hoping that every cycle is different, but I have a gut feeling that my body is what's different and I won't respond well to injections again. This is one of the concerns that I will bring up at the IVF information session on Tuesday. I also found out that this session is 3 hours long! What could they possibly talk about for 3 hours?

I called the clinic when I got home to see how I go about getting all of my lab results, and the nurse said that she would have a copy of my cycle monitoring history tomorrow when I go in. She also said that I could request my whole chart with the receptionist and that I could get it in about 5 days. I don't know why, but I'm a little obsessed when it comes to numbers. I want to go through all of my history at the fertility clinic to see if and how things have changed since I started going there 1.5 years ago. I'm also going to make a page on my blog with all of DH's and my test results so other women can compare if they want.

I'll be back tomorrow to give you another update.

Cycle Monitoring Update

It turns out that my little follicle didn't make it. I now only have one follicle that is 21mm. It grew 3mm in one day. I'm not sure if the Gonal-F that I took yesterday did that or if it would have happened anyway. Since I only have 1 follicle, we will not be having an IUI this cycle. The doctor of the day told me to come back tomorrow morning and if I don't surge we will trigger, but I'm not sure if I want the trigger. There's no point in having it really, unless the doctor is afraid that the follicle will get too big and turn into a cyst. Now that HCG is covered 80% it won't be so bad getting it. It will just be annoying because we have to pay up front and then mail the receipt to the insurance company. It took them about 2 weeks to give us our money back from the last Gonal-F cycle. I'm so happy that fertility drugs are now 80% covered. It will make IVF a lot cheaper especially since I'm a poor responder and will need more drugs than the average person.

I'm a little worried about IVF. There aren't many success stories out there from women who have low ovarian reserve. I'm afraid that once they retrieve eggs (if they do retrieve any), that they will all be crap. I guess only time will tell. I'm also afraid that I won't respond to the medicine properly. Medicine seems to make 1 follicle grow very fast instead of making them grow all together. I found out that there is no waiting list for IVF like I thought there would be. After our information session we have to make an appointment with the IVF co-ordinator and then it's just a matter of waiting for AF to show up to start the cycle. I have an appointment with my doctor on May 29, so I'm hoping we can start IVF in June or July. Actually I'm hoping we don't need it at all, but I don't think getting pregnant is going to happen naturally for us, unfortunately :(

High FSH on Day 3 and Cycle Monitoring Day 10 Update

I went to the clinic this morning for my usual checkup and got a bruise from the blood test that  matches my other 2 bruises from this cycle lol. They can never find a vein in my arm so they always take it from my hand. You should see all of the scars I have on my hands from all the blood tests I have had in the last 1.5 years at the fertility clinic.

For whatever reason the ultrasound technician was very rough with the ultrasound probe. It felt like she shoved it in me as hard as she could and was very rough when the probe was in. Usually all of the technicians are very gentle and take their time, but not this lady. She has always been kind of rough with the probe, but today she was worse.

After the ultrasound was over I saw the doctor of the day, Dr. Jizz. (his nickname). He said I have one mature follicle at 18 mm and 1 other follicle at 16mm. He told me to come back tomorrow and every day until I ovulate. I didn't ask for my lining but I'm sure it was crap. I'll make sure to ask what it is tomorrow. DH said that depending on what the 16mm follicle does tomorrow that we will have an IUI. If it grows and matures that's our plan.

I also asked what my FSH on CD3 was and to my disappointment it was a whopping 11.9, the highest it has ever been :( My clinic says that anything over 11 is high. I'm only 30 so this is definitely concerning me. My FSH is 11.9, my AMH is 1.2 (probably lower now), and my AFC ranges from 4-12. I have been noticing that my AFC is declining. It hasn't been higher than 9 since the fall which depresses me since this can't be good for IVF. I want to have another AMH test, but it costs $85 so we will probably wait until July because that will be a year since we had it last. I'm afraid of seeing a huge decline on that number because my AFC was higher when I had the AMH test last.

Why can't my body be normal? Will I ever have children? I have wanted a baby since I came off of birth control over 3 years ago. We have been doing everything we possibly can do to get pregnant and nothing is working. If I was a normal person I would probably be TTC # 3 right now. Lately I have been so sad and don't know how to get out of this depression.

I'll blog again tomorrow to give you an update on my cycle. Fingers crossed my 16mm follicle grows and we do an IUI this cycle. I feel like our chances are better with an IUI than timed intercourse.

Cycle Day 8 Follicle

I usually go to get monitored on cycle day 10, but because sometimes medication makes me ovulate early I go in on cycle day 8 on medicated cycles. It turns out that I didn't need to come in early this cycle because I only have 1 small follicle at 13mm. I usually have more than 1 this early, so I'm hoping that it doesn't disappear and other ones appear. The doctor of the day told me to come back on Wednesday. I forgot to ask for my cycle day 3 FSH and other lab numbers. I'm going to see if they can give me a print out of all my cycles that were monitored and all of my blood test results with DH's SA's. I don't have much hope for this cycle, or any future cycle for that matter. I'm having a very bad day, actually I have been depressed since last week and I can't seem to snap out of it :(

My IUI with injections failed :( Now waiting for IVF.

Well, my 5th IUI cycle didn't work. Deep down I knew it wouldn't work, but I still wanted to take the chance. I was really hoping that I would have had a better response to the injections and that after taking a multi vitamin and quitting smoking DH would have a better post was sperm count than usual, but neither of those things happened and worst of all I got AF :( For whatever reason my LP was only 9 days even with progesterone support. I don't think that I took enough progesterone (200mg/day) and I also don't think that I started it early enough. I usually start it on 2 dpo or whenever the clinic tells me to, but this time something came up and I couldn't start it until 5dpo. I didn't think that would matter, but obviously it has. I wasn't sure if it was the HCG shot or the Femara that gave me a normal LP of 16 days, but since I didn't take Femara last cycle I'm assuming that it was the Femara that was responsible.

I'm on CD5 right now and on my 3rd day of Femara. I went for monitoring on CD3 and what a nightmare that was since AF was extremely heavy that day. Let's just say it got kind of messy LOL. TMI, but when I was finished there was blood all over my legs and paper gown they gave me, it was quite messy. The ultrasound tech said that the next time I should empty my bladder before the ultrasound to avoid the messiness. And of course I only had 7 follicles :( 4 on my right and 3 on my left. My AFC is always so low which concerns me when it comes time for IVF. The doctor prescribed me my usual 7.5mg of Femara so I'm hoping that 2 of those 7 follicles mature. Sometimes Femara makes me ovulate 2 follicles which is odd since women online have said that Femara is usually prescribed to people who want to avoid multiples. So, the medication that's not supposed to give you more than 1 mature follicle does and the injections that are supposed to give you more than 1 doesn't? What's wrong with that picture? If I do happen to get more than 1 mature follicle DH has agreed to do another IUI this cycle. The chances of it working are slim, but chances of timed intercourse working are even slimmer. I go back on Monday for a follicle check and blood work. They usually tell patients to come in on CD10, but because I sometimes ovulate before that I go in on CD8.

Our IVF information session is on May 7 and I made an appointment to see my RE on May 29. I would have made it for sooner but he's away for like 4 weeks that month :( After the IVF information session we are going to do IVF as soon as we can. However, after doing some research I have noticed that some women are put on IVF waiting lists which would really suck. One of them waited for 7 months! Because of my low ovarian reserve, I don't have much time to be waiting. I have noticed that my AFC keeps getting smaller and smaller which isn't good at all. I have no idea if my clinic has a waiting list or not. I guess I will find out on the 7th. If IVF doesn't work, then I have no idea what we will do. Probably start the adoption process.

IUI cycle 5 part 2.

I had my second IUI today. The doctor of the day was Dr. C. Every time this guy does something to me it hurts and today wasn't any different. My IUI hurt and I had some cramping for about an hour after.

 DH's sperm count was worse than yesterday after the wash it was 1.7 million and 42% motility. Before the wash his count was 61 million/ml and 21% motility and his volume was 1.1. Usually that's all the information they give us, but this cycle they added more numbers to his analysis, numbers that I have never heard of. I'm not sure what they mean and google isn't being very helpful lol. Here's what they were:

Progressive (A+B): 38% 
Track Velocity (VCL): 47 μm/s 
Linear Velocity (VSL): 17.3 μm/s 
Path Velocity (VAP): 23.5 μm/s 
Lateral Head Amplitude (ALH): 2.5 μ m 
Linearity (VSL/VCL): 36.6%
Straightness (VSL/VAP) 73.6% 
Beat Frequency (BCF): 8 Hz 

My IUI Experience

Today I had my 7th IUI (5 cycles). Sometimes IUIs can be painful and uncomfortable for me, but today I felt no discomfort or pain at all so that was good. We were going to do the semen sample at home, but the weather was so horrible that we weren't sure if we could get it there within the time period. I think they say that it has to be there within 45 minutes of producing the sample. After that we came back home we had to leave 30 minutes later to go back for the IUI. I asked the doctor if we could do a back to back IUI and at first she said that there's no point because they recently discovered that it doesn't make a difference, but then she looked at DH's semen analysis and said because it was low that she would have no problem with letting us do another IUI tomorrow. I'm happy that I can have another IUI, but a bit concerned about the SA. Before the wash the concentration was 20 million with 25% motility, and after the wash the concentration was 6.5 million with 49% motility. That's kind of low I think. I know that the normal motility is above 50% pre wash, so 49% post wash scares me a little. I'm not sure of his exact numbers because I only looked at the paper for a couple of seconds, but I'm certain that his post wash was 6.5 million with 49% motility.  I'm curious to see if it's any better tomorrow. I also found out that my lining was very thin yesterday. It was 6mm. I know they say that anything over 6mm is good, but I am not okay with that number. I hate how we always end up with borderline low numbers because I know that it's affecting us, but the doctors don't seem to think having borderline low numbers is a problem. Clearly it is a problem or I would have been pregnant by now. Since I didn't respond to the medication this month had a thin lining and with DH's low count, I think it's safe to say that this cycle is a bust already. The doctor of the day said that I won't need progesterone because I had an HCG shot, but I was under the impression that you always need progesterone with injections. Because I have had progesterone issues in the past and a luteal phase defect, I am going to take progesterone this cycle anyways. They are so disgusting and gross, so It was amazing to have a break from them for awhile. I'm going to pee on a pregnancy test on 14DPO. That should be enough time for the HCG to be out of my system. Last cycle I tested on 13DPO and the test was stark white, so I'm pretty sure 14DPO will be accurate. The nurse told me to come back on April 26 for a pregnancy test, but I never make it to the date they give me. Usually they tell you to come back for an ultrasound and blood test the day after the IUI, but this cycle they said there was no point since I had an HCG shot. This clinic always changes their policies lol. It's a bit annoying because I never know what's going on when I go there and they expect me to know all of the changes without ever telling me.

I will be back tomorrow to give an update about my second IUI.

My Dominant Follicle Grew 5mm in One Day. IUI tomorrow

So, I went to the doctors today to have the usual ultrasound and blood test. I think the doctor said that I have 4 follicles? He said that 3 of them are too small, but my dominant follicle is 24 and ready to go. Yesterday it was 19 and the next day it's 24? That doesn't make much sense to me. I don't understand why medication makes one of my follicles grow super fast, but the other ones hardly grow at all. I thought that the medication was supposed to give you more follicles, not make one of them go out of control and grow rapidly. I'm only on cycle day 8, isn't this too early to be having a follicle that big?  It's funny that I ovulate too early on mediation but ovulate late without any medication. I don't know what is going on with my body, but I don't think it's doing what it should be doing.

My doctor told me to trigger today and have the IUI tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that my LH started to surge before my HCG shot because this morning my ovulation test looked positive. I wanted to wait one more day to trigger because I was pretty sure that my blood test this morning would have shown an LH surge, but the doctor told me not to wait just in case. On CD 3 I told the nurse that I wanted to do a back to back IUI, but when we went up to pay, the receptionist told me that they don't do that anymore and that if I wanted it I would have to get permission from the doctor. I thought that since I told the nurse what I wanted to do and that she was fine with it that it wouldn't be a problem, but I guess I was wrong. I'm going to ask the doctor who is doing the IUI tomorrow if I can come back the next day for another one, but I have a feeling that they will say no. Maybe there's no point in doing a second one anyway, it could be too late. I don't know why I want to have 2 IUIs since I'm 99.99999% sure it won't work. I would say 100%, but nothing is 100%

DH quit smoking in the summer and started taking vitamins a few months ago. I'm pretty sure that I'm the problem and that my eggs are just too shitty for a successful pregnancy, but I'm curious to see if quitting smoking and vitamins has helped my DH's sperm count. It's always less than 10 million after a wash. We will see.

We have to go in between 7-8am to drop off the sample and then go back at 10am for the IUI. Then I go back for an ultrasound and blood test the next day to see if I have ovulated.

Gonal-F isn't working :( Femara worked better, why?

I don't understand why medication that cost $6 worked better than the one that cost $1000. Does this make any sense whatsoever? Last cycle with Femara I had 2 mature follicles and some smaller ones, but this cycle with Gonal-F I only have 1 mature follicle and one very small one. The biggest is 19 and the smallest 13. I have been taking 150IU for 4 days, shouldn't I have more follicles? The doctor of the day said that they aim between 2 and 4 follicles, so this is a bit discouraging. A year ago when we did Gonal-F I started out on 100IU and finished off taking 125IU and got 3 mature follicles so I don't understand why I got less follicles with a higher dosage. I also don't understand why Femara works better. The scariest part of all this is that the doctor said Gonal-F is used for IVF, but what's the point if I'm only going to get 1 egg when usually they transfer 2 embryos. I have seen online that there's a certain protocol that is used for women who don't respond well to injections, but apparently my clinic has never heard of this and will treat me like they treat everyone. Is this normal, or should I get a second opinion before we move on to IVF?

The doctor of the day told me to take 150IU tonight and come back tomorrow. He said that my 19mm follicle is mature and could rupture at any time. They took my blood and will call me if my LH is surging. If it is, we will do an IUI the next day. He said if I don't surge and the follicle gets too big they will trigger me. I'm not sure if I even want to have the IUI with only one follicle because it could be a waste of money, but the odds of an IUI are better than TI so we're going to do it. I am never taking injections again unless we are doing IVF because I don't see the point in having needles in my stomach every day and spending that amount of money on something when there's something else (femara) that works just the same and is WAAAAAAY cheaper.

I didn't ask what my lining was, but while I was getting the ultrasound I could have sworn I saw her enter 7.9 into the computer.

I'm convinced that there is something seriously wrong with me. Compared to what I see online, I'm not normal. I have a bad feeling that we will never have a child of our own. I think my eggs are too bad and I will be going into menopause in 5 or less years. It runs in my family. My grandmother was only 35 and my aunt was only 39. I know that other relatives were also in their 30s. I suggested to DH that we skip trying and go straight to adoption, but he said hell no lol. He wants to do at least 2 IVF's before we think of going down that route. I don't even think IVF will work with my crappy eggs. Donor eggs are as expensive as adoption, so I think that's out of the question. On the fertility clinic's website it says that donor eggs are $23,000! YIKES!

What the hell is wrong with this world, why do people who don't want kids or shouldn't have them pop them out like crazy, but others like DH and I are going through hell and back trying? This really makes me question things.

IUI and Gonal-F Cycle Day 2

Today I went to Isis where I had an ultrasound and blood work done. I had an AFC of 8, 4 on each side. I'm going to take Gonal-F 150 IU for 4 days starting tomorrow. On CD7 I go back to see how the medication worked and to see if it needs to be adjusted. The last time I had injections I think I started at 75IU and then they had to raise it to 100IU and then to 125IU? It was something like that anyway. My doctor said that this time they would start me on 150IU because I have low ovarian reserve and the last time I was on injections my follicles weren't growing together. We bought a 900IU pen wich cost $972, but luckily DH's new insurance covers 80%. I have to mail them the receipt today.

Once I have mature follicles we will have a back to back IUI. They say it doesn't make a difference whether you have 1 IUI or 2, but I want to anyway because the more sperm there the better. I also want to make sure the timing is good. What if the first IUI is too early?

When we went to pay for Gonal-F, we were reminded that we needed to pay for our annual cycle monitoring payment. We were supposed to pay for it in October, but they must have forgotten until now. Cycle monitoring for the year is $300 which isn't too bad. It's covered by the government, but our clinic likes to charge $300. It's only covered by the government if you see a doctor, so most fertility clinics aren't covered because they don't have doctors to see every day, only nurses. The government won't pay for it if you see a nurse and not a doctor. Our clinic has a bunch of doctors and every day you see a different one.

A B2B IUI With Injections Next Cycle.

I found out yesterday that DH's new insurance plan covers 80% on fertility drugs including injections. That's a huge savings. DH suggested that next cycle we do a back to back IUI with Gonal-F. The IUI's aren't covered and they cost $450 for 2 of them. The last time we got Gonal-F it cost around $1600, but with an 80% discount, it will only be around $320 (this all depends on how much Gonal-F I will need) The HCG costs $85, but now that will be cheaper too. I'm so excited about the new insurance. This also means that if the IUI cycle doesn't work we can have IVF sooner.

Our IVF information session is on April 26. DH said we will have IVF as early as May. I hope that I don't need it. I don't like the sound of a needle going through my ovaries.

My Progesterone Test Was Normal!

I just called my FS to make an appointment. I asked the secretary if she could take a look at my 7dpo progesterone test, and I'm shocked because it was actually normal without taking progesterone. I'm not sure why my luteal phase is going to be short this cycle if my progesterone was normal. I guess that's something to ask my doctor when I see him next Tuesday. Anything above 10 is normal and mine was 15.1. I know that is still a little low since most women I have met online have a progesterone level that is way higher than that, but I'm still happy with my 15.1 since it's way higher than 2.2.

This is Going to be a Short Cycle

I guess my progesterone test was pointless. I know it's going to be low since my temperature dropped today and I'm having some pms signs. My mood is all over the place. The other day I was depressed, yesterday I was hopeful and positive, and today I am just mad and angry. My hands are filled with needle marks and bruises from all of the blood tests. My butt hurts from where they injected the HCG. I'm having headaches from the Femara. All of the things I go through on a monthly basis is all for NOTHING and it pisses me off! How many more needles, medication, probes, suppositories, tests am I going to have to go through before I get pregnant and have a baby? I know that not many things in life are easy, but why does this have to be so hard?

Progesterone check tomorrow...YAY

I'm not on progesterone and haven't been for a while now. The last time I was being monitored I saw my doctor. The doctors change from day to day, so I was glad to see him. He told me to get a progesterone test tomorrow. I was on Femara, so it should be more than 15 to be normal. The last time it was 2.2. I would be thrilled to see anything above 10, the normal. I released 2 eggs, and our timing was good, but will it be. Probably not, but there's always next cycle.

For my next cycle I want a progesterone test while taking it.

Good Days and Bad Days

It's funny how some days are worse than others. Yesterday, for an example, was an awful day. I felt hopeless and sad. I told DH many of times that I was done and wanted to give up. I know that giving up is the wrong thing to do. If I give up, I will never even have a chance and still be sad with lots of regret. If I don't give up, however, there's always that slim possibility that it could happen. Even if it doesn't and I'm sad, I won't regret giving up. While I was at the surgeon's office yesterday, I saw baby pictures everywhere! The receptionist on the phone was very loud, and all I kept hearing her talk about was how far along women were, labour, and all kids of stuff related to pregnancies. I put my headphones in my ears and cranked up my music, but it still didn't help my sadness. On a good note, the waiting room wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It was quite small, and I only saw 3 pregnant women. Just like I predicted though, I broke out into tears in the waiting room. After seeing a very pregnant woman who was wearing a very tight black and white striped shirt. I have very bad vision. I'm blind in my right eye and don't have much peripheral vision at all. Normally it bothers me, but sometimes I don't mind having bad vision just because I can avoid looking at certain thing, isn't that horrible of me? Well, the point I'm trying to make is that I moved to another chair so she wasn't in my field of vision. Out of the 3 pregnant women there, she was the biggest and hardest to look at. I didn't have to wait for as long as I thought so that was good too. When we left the doctors I was VERY upset and couldn't stop crying and wondering. We went to the grocery store, and just as we were almost done and I wasn't that upset anymore, I saw someone who was very pregnant wearing a very tight top. This made me so sad that I started crying and ran out of the grocery store. I just couldn't bring myself to be there. I had a total meltdown and feel bad for DH since we had to go to another grocery store. I am overly sensitive and a bit crazy. TTC has been so difficult for me. I wish I could be stronger and not let this type of thing bother me.

Today I woke up in a better mood. I was more hopeful about the future and not depressed. I had to go to another doctor this morning and there were so many babies and toddlers in the waiting room. Most of the time this bothers me, but not today. I was totally okay with it. I was watching this little boy crawling everywhere with a big smile on my face thinking about how cute and funny it was to see him crawl. It's very weird how my mood can change from one day to the next. I wish I was always positive like I am today.

Fertility Friend Corrected Itself.

At first FF said I ovulated on day 9 which couldn't possibly be true. Today when I put in my temperature and removed my override, my ovulation date changed to cycle day 11 which is more accurate.

Fertility Friend is Wrong

According to FF I am 4dpo, but when I was at the doctors 2 days ago I hadn't ovulated. I always think my LP is too short, but what if it isn't? What if FF has always been off by a few days making me believe that it's was short. However, my 7dpo progesterone test was low, but I think I had it tested before I started getting monitored. Maybe I thought I was 7dpo because of FF, but wasn't? Wait, no that can't be right since it didn't add up with my monitor.  I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor soon and ask him if he can repeat the test.  I always have such weird temperatures which makes me think that sometimes FF isn't always right. I hardly ever use my monitor anymore and I don't use OPK's, I only go by what my chart, blood work, and ultrasounds say.

I'm going into the clinic tomorrow to see if I have ovulated and how many eggs were released. I hope all 3 of them did so DH's little guys had more targets. I just want this cycle to work because I'm tired and can't do this much longer. It's frustrating getting poked and probed every month with no results. I may need to have a laparoscopy which I REALLY want to avoid, so I better get pregnant quick.

Ovulating within 24 hours of getting the HCG shot.

Every time that I have been triggered, with the exception of once, I have ovulated within 24 hours of getting it. This concerns me a little since the doctors say it happens between 36-48 hours. If we do have IVF and they trigger me too soon, we would be out of a lot of money for the drugs. Since I have a low egg count, more money will be spent on meds than the average person, this could really suck. I have talked to different doctors at the clinic about this before and they told me not to worry about it, but I can't help to be worried. Yesterday I had the HCG around 830am and today my temperature sky rocketed. My EWCM has totally disappeared and the very painful ovulation pains that I have been having for the past few days are also gone. Yesterday we went out for dinner and the only thing I could think of was how badly my ovaries were hurting. I had 2 follicles on the left that were 21, 23mm. I had one on the right that was 15mm. I'm guessing that all 3 of them ovulated because shortly after the trigger shot my right side started to hurt more and more. The last time I had 3 follicles was on Gonal-F. I believe the Gonal-F was around $1300 and Femara is like $6 with insurance, Gonal-F isn't covered by insurance :(. i think it's funny how 2 differently priced drugs did the exact same thing to me. It's too bad that I never know what will happen with Femara. Most of the time it gives me one follicle, but once in awhile it gives me more. DH's work has changed insurance, so I'm very curious to see if any fertility medications are covered. Where I live there is no insurance company that covers infertility procedures like IVF and IUI's, but I know that some of them will cover medications. If we could get fertility medications covered, IVF would be half the price. Clomid isn't covered by insurance because it's only used for fertility, but Femara is covered because it can also be used for breast cancer. I'm hoping to find out within the next couple of weeks to know if the new insurance will cover anything fertility related.

PS,
I'm very sorry for any grammar mistakes I have made. I am horrible at writing.