Trying to get pregnant has been one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I used to be in a very dark place during TTC. Everything made me depressed and I wasn't interested in things that I normally find interesting. I'm a huge TV fan, yeah I'll admit that I am a couch potato. There's nothing more I enjoy than sitting in front of the TV with my laptop. To some of you that may sound pathetic, but it's what I enjoy. For the longest time I lost interest in TV and my computer because I found it hard to concentrate on anything. And it seemed as if everything I watched on TV had something to do with pregnancy. We saved $20 a month on electricity from keeping the TV off lol. I found it hard to go outside because everywhere we went I saw a pregnant woman or teenager. I love shopping but couldn't bring myself to go to a mall out of fear for what I might have seen. I stopped participating in online support groups for infertility because I found it really hard to give support to others when I was feeling so down myself. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes I would spend hours crying. I was so frustrated and confused about infertility.
For whatever reason I have changed. I don't feel bitter and depressed like I used to feel. Instead of feeling sad and angry towards pregnant women, I am happy for them. I'm glad they're pregnant and hope that they didn't have to go through what I am to get their baby. I don't wish infertility on anyone and pray that women don't have to go through hell to have families.
Yesterday I looked for some old online friends to see how they were doing. Most of them have babies and some are pregnant with their second or third. I was looking at pictures of their families and was so excited for them. It was great to see how happy they were and how much their babies have grown. I did this once before and regretted it and cried as soon as I saw pictures of their babies. But yesterday was different. I wasn't sad at all looking at pictures of their children and could only think of how happy I am for them.
I also find it easier to browse through forums, and for the first time in years I like to look at pregnancy tests, especially squinters lol.
I'm afraid I will turn bitter again if my egg donor cycle doesn't work, but I know we have tried almost everything to achieve our goal and feel lucky DH and I are in a position to afford IVF with donor eggs.
hey! I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you from ff, it's me happypanda. Anyway. I just wanted to say that I came across you on ff today while just browsing around, and I was SO sad to see the hard journey you've had. I really really hope that you get your thb soon! I'll be watching and hoping :)
ReplyDeletehappypanda!!!!! I have missed you so much. I tried to find you but couldn't. I never stopped thinking about you and wondering how your pregnancy turned out. Did you have a boy or girl?
ReplyDeleteaww thanks SLH! I had a little boy on jan 9th. It wasn't an easy pregnancy (20 weeks of bedrest) but it was worth every second of it. I haven't been on ff for a while, so have lost track of too many people. And seriously I am so sorry to see the hard journey you have had. It seems somehow that those who would make the greatest parents have to fight the hardest. x
ReplyDeletethank you for being supportive. You are the strongest person I have ever met to go through what you have been through. TTC may be hard for me, but it's nothing compared to what you have been through. I can't express how happy I am for and your little boy. I'm sorry you had such a hard pregnancy, bedrest for that long must have been awful. I am so glad you had a healthy little boy, it tears me up out of happiness.
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