It's funny how some days are worse than others. Yesterday, for an example, was an awful day. I felt hopeless and sad. I told DH many of times that I was done and wanted to give up. I know that giving up is the wrong thing to do. If I give up, I will never even have a chance and still be sad with lots of regret. If I don't give up, however, there's always that slim possibility that it could happen. Even if it doesn't and I'm sad, I won't regret giving up. While I was at the surgeon's office yesterday, I saw baby pictures everywhere! The receptionist on the phone was very loud, and all I kept hearing her talk about was how far along women were, labour, and all kids of stuff related to pregnancies. I put my headphones in my ears and cranked up my music, but it still didn't help my sadness. On a good note, the waiting room wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It was quite small, and I only saw 3 pregnant women. Just like I predicted though, I broke out into tears in the waiting room. After seeing a very pregnant woman who was wearing a very tight black and white striped shirt. I have very bad vision. I'm blind in my right eye and don't have much peripheral vision at all. Normally it bothers me, but sometimes I don't mind having bad vision just because I can avoid looking at certain thing, isn't that horrible of me? Well, the point I'm trying to make is that I moved to another chair so she wasn't in my field of vision. Out of the 3 pregnant women there, she was the biggest and hardest to look at. I didn't have to wait for as long as I thought so that was good too. When we left the doctors I was VERY upset and couldn't stop crying and wondering. We went to the grocery store, and just as we were almost done and I wasn't that upset anymore, I saw someone who was very pregnant wearing a very tight top. This made me so sad that I started crying and ran out of the grocery store. I just couldn't bring myself to be there. I had a total meltdown and feel bad for DH since we had to go to another grocery store. I am overly sensitive and a bit crazy. TTC has been so difficult for me. I wish I could be stronger and not let this type of thing bother me.
Today I woke up in a better mood. I was more hopeful about the future and not depressed. I had to go to another doctor this morning and there were so many babies and toddlers in the waiting room. Most of the time this bothers me, but not today. I was totally okay with it. I was watching this little boy crawling everywhere with a big smile on my face thinking about how cute and funny it was to see him crawl. It's very weird how my mood can change from one day to the next. I wish I was always positive like I am today.
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