Gonal-F isn't working :( Femara worked better, why?

I don't understand why medication that cost $6 worked better than the one that cost $1000. Does this make any sense whatsoever? Last cycle with Femara I had 2 mature follicles and some smaller ones, but this cycle with Gonal-F I only have 1 mature follicle and one very small one. The biggest is 19 and the smallest 13. I have been taking 150IU for 4 days, shouldn't I have more follicles? The doctor of the day said that they aim between 2 and 4 follicles, so this is a bit discouraging. A year ago when we did Gonal-F I started out on 100IU and finished off taking 125IU and got 3 mature follicles so I don't understand why I got less follicles with a higher dosage. I also don't understand why Femara works better. The scariest part of all this is that the doctor said Gonal-F is used for IVF, but what's the point if I'm only going to get 1 egg when usually they transfer 2 embryos. I have seen online that there's a certain protocol that is used for women who don't respond well to injections, but apparently my clinic has never heard of this and will treat me like they treat everyone. Is this normal, or should I get a second opinion before we move on to IVF?

The doctor of the day told me to take 150IU tonight and come back tomorrow. He said that my 19mm follicle is mature and could rupture at any time. They took my blood and will call me if my LH is surging. If it is, we will do an IUI the next day. He said if I don't surge and the follicle gets too big they will trigger me. I'm not sure if I even want to have the IUI with only one follicle because it could be a waste of money, but the odds of an IUI are better than TI so we're going to do it. I am never taking injections again unless we are doing IVF because I don't see the point in having needles in my stomach every day and spending that amount of money on something when there's something else (femara) that works just the same and is WAAAAAAY cheaper.

I didn't ask what my lining was, but while I was getting the ultrasound I could have sworn I saw her enter 7.9 into the computer.

I'm convinced that there is something seriously wrong with me. Compared to what I see online, I'm not normal. I have a bad feeling that we will never have a child of our own. I think my eggs are too bad and I will be going into menopause in 5 or less years. It runs in my family. My grandmother was only 35 and my aunt was only 39. I know that other relatives were also in their 30s. I suggested to DH that we skip trying and go straight to adoption, but he said hell no lol. He wants to do at least 2 IVF's before we think of going down that route. I don't even think IVF will work with my crappy eggs. Donor eggs are as expensive as adoption, so I think that's out of the question. On the fertility clinic's website it says that donor eggs are $23,000! YIKES!

What the hell is wrong with this world, why do people who don't want kids or shouldn't have them pop them out like crazy, but others like DH and I are going through hell and back trying? This really makes me question things.

IUI and Gonal-F Cycle Day 2

Today I went to Isis where I had an ultrasound and blood work done. I had an AFC of 8, 4 on each side. I'm going to take Gonal-F 150 IU for 4 days starting tomorrow. On CD7 I go back to see how the medication worked and to see if it needs to be adjusted. The last time I had injections I think I started at 75IU and then they had to raise it to 100IU and then to 125IU? It was something like that anyway. My doctor said that this time they would start me on 150IU because I have low ovarian reserve and the last time I was on injections my follicles weren't growing together. We bought a 900IU pen wich cost $972, but luckily DH's new insurance covers 80%. I have to mail them the receipt today.

Once I have mature follicles we will have a back to back IUI. They say it doesn't make a difference whether you have 1 IUI or 2, but I want to anyway because the more sperm there the better. I also want to make sure the timing is good. What if the first IUI is too early?

When we went to pay for Gonal-F, we were reminded that we needed to pay for our annual cycle monitoring payment. We were supposed to pay for it in October, but they must have forgotten until now. Cycle monitoring for the year is $300 which isn't too bad. It's covered by the government, but our clinic likes to charge $300. It's only covered by the government if you see a doctor, so most fertility clinics aren't covered because they don't have doctors to see every day, only nurses. The government won't pay for it if you see a nurse and not a doctor. Our clinic has a bunch of doctors and every day you see a different one.

A B2B IUI With Injections Next Cycle.

I found out yesterday that DH's new insurance plan covers 80% on fertility drugs including injections. That's a huge savings. DH suggested that next cycle we do a back to back IUI with Gonal-F. The IUI's aren't covered and they cost $450 for 2 of them. The last time we got Gonal-F it cost around $1600, but with an 80% discount, it will only be around $320 (this all depends on how much Gonal-F I will need) The HCG costs $85, but now that will be cheaper too. I'm so excited about the new insurance. This also means that if the IUI cycle doesn't work we can have IVF sooner.

Our IVF information session is on April 26. DH said we will have IVF as early as May. I hope that I don't need it. I don't like the sound of a needle going through my ovaries.

My Progesterone Test Was Normal!

I just called my FS to make an appointment. I asked the secretary if she could take a look at my 7dpo progesterone test, and I'm shocked because it was actually normal without taking progesterone. I'm not sure why my luteal phase is going to be short this cycle if my progesterone was normal. I guess that's something to ask my doctor when I see him next Tuesday. Anything above 10 is normal and mine was 15.1. I know that is still a little low since most women I have met online have a progesterone level that is way higher than that, but I'm still happy with my 15.1 since it's way higher than 2.2.

This is Going to be a Short Cycle

I guess my progesterone test was pointless. I know it's going to be low since my temperature dropped today and I'm having some pms signs. My mood is all over the place. The other day I was depressed, yesterday I was hopeful and positive, and today I am just mad and angry. My hands are filled with needle marks and bruises from all of the blood tests. My butt hurts from where they injected the HCG. I'm having headaches from the Femara. All of the things I go through on a monthly basis is all for NOTHING and it pisses me off! How many more needles, medication, probes, suppositories, tests am I going to have to go through before I get pregnant and have a baby? I know that not many things in life are easy, but why does this have to be so hard?

Progesterone check tomorrow...YAY

I'm not on progesterone and haven't been for a while now. The last time I was being monitored I saw my doctor. The doctors change from day to day, so I was glad to see him. He told me to get a progesterone test tomorrow. I was on Femara, so it should be more than 15 to be normal. The last time it was 2.2. I would be thrilled to see anything above 10, the normal. I released 2 eggs, and our timing was good, but will it be. Probably not, but there's always next cycle.

For my next cycle I want a progesterone test while taking it.

Good Days and Bad Days

It's funny how some days are worse than others. Yesterday, for an example, was an awful day. I felt hopeless and sad. I told DH many of times that I was done and wanted to give up. I know that giving up is the wrong thing to do. If I give up, I will never even have a chance and still be sad with lots of regret. If I don't give up, however, there's always that slim possibility that it could happen. Even if it doesn't and I'm sad, I won't regret giving up. While I was at the surgeon's office yesterday, I saw baby pictures everywhere! The receptionist on the phone was very loud, and all I kept hearing her talk about was how far along women were, labour, and all kids of stuff related to pregnancies. I put my headphones in my ears and cranked up my music, but it still didn't help my sadness. On a good note, the waiting room wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It was quite small, and I only saw 3 pregnant women. Just like I predicted though, I broke out into tears in the waiting room. After seeing a very pregnant woman who was wearing a very tight black and white striped shirt. I have very bad vision. I'm blind in my right eye and don't have much peripheral vision at all. Normally it bothers me, but sometimes I don't mind having bad vision just because I can avoid looking at certain thing, isn't that horrible of me? Well, the point I'm trying to make is that I moved to another chair so she wasn't in my field of vision. Out of the 3 pregnant women there, she was the biggest and hardest to look at. I didn't have to wait for as long as I thought so that was good too. When we left the doctors I was VERY upset and couldn't stop crying and wondering. We went to the grocery store, and just as we were almost done and I wasn't that upset anymore, I saw someone who was very pregnant wearing a very tight top. This made me so sad that I started crying and ran out of the grocery store. I just couldn't bring myself to be there. I had a total meltdown and feel bad for DH since we had to go to another grocery store. I am overly sensitive and a bit crazy. TTC has been so difficult for me. I wish I could be stronger and not let this type of thing bother me.

Today I woke up in a better mood. I was more hopeful about the future and not depressed. I had to go to another doctor this morning and there were so many babies and toddlers in the waiting room. Most of the time this bothers me, but not today. I was totally okay with it. I was watching this little boy crawling everywhere with a big smile on my face thinking about how cute and funny it was to see him crawl. It's very weird how my mood can change from one day to the next. I wish I was always positive like I am today.