Good Days and Bad Days

It's funny how some days are worse than others. Yesterday, for an example, was an awful day. I felt hopeless and sad. I told DH many of times that I was done and wanted to give up. I know that giving up is the wrong thing to do. If I give up, I will never even have a chance and still be sad with lots of regret. If I don't give up, however, there's always that slim possibility that it could happen. Even if it doesn't and I'm sad, I won't regret giving up. While I was at the surgeon's office yesterday, I saw baby pictures everywhere! The receptionist on the phone was very loud, and all I kept hearing her talk about was how far along women were, labour, and all kids of stuff related to pregnancies. I put my headphones in my ears and cranked up my music, but it still didn't help my sadness. On a good note, the waiting room wasn't as bad as I thought it was. It was quite small, and I only saw 3 pregnant women. Just like I predicted though, I broke out into tears in the waiting room. After seeing a very pregnant woman who was wearing a very tight black and white striped shirt. I have very bad vision. I'm blind in my right eye and don't have much peripheral vision at all. Normally it bothers me, but sometimes I don't mind having bad vision just because I can avoid looking at certain thing, isn't that horrible of me? Well, the point I'm trying to make is that I moved to another chair so she wasn't in my field of vision. Out of the 3 pregnant women there, she was the biggest and hardest to look at. I didn't have to wait for as long as I thought so that was good too. When we left the doctors I was VERY upset and couldn't stop crying and wondering. We went to the grocery store, and just as we were almost done and I wasn't that upset anymore, I saw someone who was very pregnant wearing a very tight top. This made me so sad that I started crying and ran out of the grocery store. I just couldn't bring myself to be there. I had a total meltdown and feel bad for DH since we had to go to another grocery store. I am overly sensitive and a bit crazy. TTC has been so difficult for me. I wish I could be stronger and not let this type of thing bother me.

Today I woke up in a better mood. I was more hopeful about the future and not depressed. I had to go to another doctor this morning and there were so many babies and toddlers in the waiting room. Most of the time this bothers me, but not today. I was totally okay with it. I was watching this little boy crawling everywhere with a big smile on my face thinking about how cute and funny it was to see him crawl. It's very weird how my mood can change from one day to the next. I wish I was always positive like I am today.

Fertility Friend Corrected Itself.

At first FF said I ovulated on day 9 which couldn't possibly be true. Today when I put in my temperature and removed my override, my ovulation date changed to cycle day 11 which is more accurate.

Fertility Friend is Wrong

According to FF I am 4dpo, but when I was at the doctors 2 days ago I hadn't ovulated. I always think my LP is too short, but what if it isn't? What if FF has always been off by a few days making me believe that it's was short. However, my 7dpo progesterone test was low, but I think I had it tested before I started getting monitored. Maybe I thought I was 7dpo because of FF, but wasn't? Wait, no that can't be right since it didn't add up with my monitor.  I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor soon and ask him if he can repeat the test.  I always have such weird temperatures which makes me think that sometimes FF isn't always right. I hardly ever use my monitor anymore and I don't use OPK's, I only go by what my chart, blood work, and ultrasounds say.

I'm going into the clinic tomorrow to see if I have ovulated and how many eggs were released. I hope all 3 of them did so DH's little guys had more targets. I just want this cycle to work because I'm tired and can't do this much longer. It's frustrating getting poked and probed every month with no results. I may need to have a laparoscopy which I REALLY want to avoid, so I better get pregnant quick.

Ovulating within 24 hours of getting the HCG shot.

Every time that I have been triggered, with the exception of once, I have ovulated within 24 hours of getting it. This concerns me a little since the doctors say it happens between 36-48 hours. If we do have IVF and they trigger me too soon, we would be out of a lot of money for the drugs. Since I have a low egg count, more money will be spent on meds than the average person, this could really suck. I have talked to different doctors at the clinic about this before and they told me not to worry about it, but I can't help to be worried. Yesterday I had the HCG around 830am and today my temperature sky rocketed. My EWCM has totally disappeared and the very painful ovulation pains that I have been having for the past few days are also gone. Yesterday we went out for dinner and the only thing I could think of was how badly my ovaries were hurting. I had 2 follicles on the left that were 21, 23mm. I had one on the right that was 15mm. I'm guessing that all 3 of them ovulated because shortly after the trigger shot my right side started to hurt more and more. The last time I had 3 follicles was on Gonal-F. I believe the Gonal-F was around $1300 and Femara is like $6 with insurance, Gonal-F isn't covered by insurance :(. i think it's funny how 2 differently priced drugs did the exact same thing to me. It's too bad that I never know what will happen with Femara. Most of the time it gives me one follicle, but once in awhile it gives me more. DH's work has changed insurance, so I'm very curious to see if any fertility medications are covered. Where I live there is no insurance company that covers infertility procedures like IVF and IUI's, but I know that some of them will cover medications. If we could get fertility medications covered, IVF would be half the price. Clomid isn't covered by insurance because it's only used for fertility, but Femara is covered because it can also be used for breast cancer. I'm hoping to find out within the next couple of weeks to know if the new insurance will cover anything fertility related.

PS,
I'm very sorry for any grammar mistakes I have made. I am horrible at writing.

I got triggered today

I had 3 follicles today that were 21, 23 and 15. We decided to have a trigger shot in hopes that the 15 will grow enough to release. DH said that if we had 3 follicles that were big enough we would have an IUI, but then he changed his mind lol. Within the next few months we plan on having an IUI with Gonal-F. However plans can change, so who knows what will actually happen. I'm hoping that we don't have to worry about it and I will get pregnant, but yeah right if it hasn't happened by now it probably never will. You are probably wondering why I even try if that's how I think, but I guess it's because maybe just maybe I have a little bit of hope. I forgot to ask how thick my lining was, but 2 days ago it was 6.8 so I'm hoping it has gotten thicker. I sometimes wonder if my lining is too thin. The doctors say it's fine but I'm not sure since it seems like the majority of women who I have seen online have linings that are way thicker than mine like 9, 10, 11, 12.

Femara has given me 2 mature follicles

I was at the fertility clinic this morning for cycle monitoring. I have 2 mature follicles that are both 17mm, the clinic says anything over 16 is mature. I also have another little one at 13.   If it matures we will have an IUI. I have had 2-3 follicles in the past and I haven't gotten pregnant, so I don't have high hopes of anything happening this cycle. My lining was 6.8 which I think is too thin, but my doctor said it's good. I'm going back on Sunday to check on my progress. Femara usually causes my follicles to grow very fast. Once one of them grew 4mm in a day! By Sunday who knows how much more they will grow. 

I Just Renewed My FF Membership :(

Back in June 2011 I bought the fertility friend VIP membership 6 month package. I thought for sure that I would get pregnant and wouldn't need to renew my membership, but obviously that didn't happen so I renewed my membership for a year thinking for sure I wouldn't need to renew it again, but boy was I wrong. Time kept passing and month after month I got AF. Yesterday FF reminded me that I only had 4 days left of my membership, so of course I renewed it for another year which had me in tears because this time I know a year will go by without me getting a bfp. If it hasn't happened yet, I doubt it ever will.

I have been a very bad blogger, and I am sorry for not being around as much. My fertility struggles have been depressing the hell out of me and I have been pretty distant from everything. Things that once interested me no longer do. I am constantly suffering and am always asking the same question, WHY? I just can't figure out WHY it's not happening. I have speculations, but I don't have a definitive answer which is driving me bonkers. If only I knew what the problem was maybe I could fix it. I believe that everything happens for a reason so there must be a reason why this isn't happening. I will not except that sometimes things just don't happen without a reason, there's always a reason. My speculation is that my eggs are too bad to be fertilized and that my uterus and hormone levels are too bad for implantation to happen. I have a short luteal phase which makes me think implantation can't happen, progesterone hasn't gotten me pregnant. My FSH is on the high side for my age, it's 10.7. My AMH is also too low at 1.2 (sorry, I'm not sure what the measurement is). On the paper I got it said I have low ovarian reserve. My AFC is always low. Early menopause runs in my family, and with my numbers I'm sure I am following in the same path. My doctor says that the edges of my eggs may be too thick for the sperm to penetrate them.

I haven't been able to go to the fertility clinic for the past couple of months because I was too sick with the flu. I'm better now and am going back. I was there on Saturday for cycle day 3 blood work and an ultrasound. I'm not sure how my blood work is, but I will find out when I go back tomorrow. I had a total of 9 follicles, 3 on the left and 6 on the right. My plan this cycle is to take 7.5mg of Femara and TI. I'm taking a break from progesterone for awhile because I want to see if my luteal phase is getting longer. In January I'm pretty sure it was 14 days, but since I only based ovulation on EWCM, I'm not sure if it really was 14 days. The next cycle it was 11 days. I started drinking milk and gave up soda, but then on the cycle where my LP was 11 days I wasn't drinking milk and started drinking soda again. I can't drink milk when I'm sick. I'm wondering if the milk increased it? I'm going to start drinking more milk and see if it gets any longer. Maybe I do have a vitamin B deficiency and milk has a lot of it.

I'm not sure what my future plans are, but for now it's cycle monitoring and Femara.