Back in June 2011 I bought the fertility friend VIP membership 6 month package. I thought for sure that I would get pregnant and wouldn't need to renew my membership, but obviously that didn't happen so I renewed my membership for a year thinking for sure I wouldn't need to renew it again, but boy was I wrong. Time kept passing and month after month I got AF. Yesterday FF reminded me that I only had 4 days left of my membership, so of course I renewed it for another year which had me in tears because this time I know a year will go by without me getting a bfp. If it hasn't happened yet, I doubt it ever will.
I have been a very bad blogger, and I am sorry for not being around as much. My fertility struggles have been depressing the hell out of me and I have been pretty distant from everything. Things that once interested me no longer do. I am constantly suffering and am always asking the same question, WHY? I just can't figure out WHY it's not happening. I have speculations, but I don't have a definitive answer which is driving me bonkers. If only I knew what the problem was maybe I could fix it. I believe that everything happens for a reason so there must be a reason why this isn't happening. I will not except that sometimes things just don't happen without a reason, there's always a reason. My speculation is that my eggs are too bad to be fertilized and that my uterus and hormone levels are too bad for implantation to happen. I have a short luteal phase which makes me think implantation can't happen, progesterone hasn't gotten me pregnant. My FSH is on the high side for my age, it's 10.7. My AMH is also too low at 1.2 (sorry, I'm not sure what the measurement is). On the paper I got it said I have low ovarian reserve. My AFC is always low. Early menopause runs in my family, and with my numbers I'm sure I am following in the same path. My doctor says that the edges of my eggs may be too thick for the sperm to penetrate them.
I haven't been able to go to the fertility clinic for the past couple of months because I was too sick with the flu. I'm better now and am going back. I was there on Saturday for cycle day 3 blood work and an ultrasound. I'm not sure how my blood work is, but I will find out when I go back tomorrow. I had a total of 9 follicles, 3 on the left and 6 on the right. My plan this cycle is to take 7.5mg of Femara and TI. I'm taking a break from progesterone for awhile because I want to see if my luteal phase is getting longer. In January I'm pretty sure it was 14 days, but since I only based ovulation on EWCM, I'm not sure if it really was 14 days. The next cycle it was 11 days. I started drinking milk and gave up soda, but then on the cycle where my LP was 11 days I wasn't drinking milk and started drinking soda again. I can't drink milk when I'm sick. I'm wondering if the milk increased it? I'm going to start drinking more milk and see if it gets any longer. Maybe I do have a vitamin B deficiency and milk has a lot of it.
I'm not sure what my future plans are, but for now it's cycle monitoring and Femara.
Hugs to you. I just had to renew my FF membership about a month ago, and it was a huge blow as well. I can't tell you to try to be positive. I know how much of a blow it is each month that AF shows up, and I know how heartbreaking this whole process can be. I guess all I can say is try to hang in there and know that you have people reading this blog that can empathize with you. I hope your miracle finds you, and soon. Best of luck and big hugs your way!
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