Ovary pain and EWCM, this could be a problem.

Yesterday I began to have ovulation pains and EWCM. Now I'm starting to freak out thinking that the Lupron isn't doing it's job and I am going to ovulate. If Lupron is working and I'm not ovulating, then why am I having ovulation pains, could I have cysts? I guess I will find out on Friday when I have my lining check. The EWCM could be from the estrogen patches. Since I started my cycle, I have been worried about every little thing that could go wrong.  I pray that my ultrasound on Friday is normal. It's hard to believe we are leaving in little over a week.

Estrogen Patch Trouble

The good news about the estrogen patches is that they don't make me itchy. I have sensitive skin and break out easily in rashes when I come into contact with certain things. I have two doctors, one in Georgia and one here in Toronto. The doctor in Georgia orders my medication and then the doctor here prescribes it. Not too long ago I noticed that my estrogen patches are different from the ones that the Georgia doctor ordered for me. They are different brand names, but this could be a problem. I am supposed to be taking Vivelle Dot patches, but since they don't have Vivelle dot patches here in Canada my pharmacist gave me these huge ass circle patches. Eventually I will need to have 4 patches on at once, and I don't think that's possible because there are only a few parts of my body where they can go. Look at how big this thing is:



I guess as long as the patches give me the same amount of medication as the ones that were ordered there shouldn't be any problems. I want to email the egg coordinator, but I am scared that she will delay my cycle and tell me that I have to use another form of estrogen. We already booked our plane tickets so I don't want to risk my cycle being delayed. I asked my pharmacist if he can get me a smaller patch and he said he would look into it. Yesterday I wasted 3 patches because it wouldn't stick to me. Because these things are so big, they crumple up on me and I get worried thinking that maybe they're not working like they should be.

I just realized something, the donor egg program we are in has to be completed within 2 years. That means that if it doesn't work, I will have to spend the next 2 years on injections, pills and patches. That's a lot of drugs, I hope I can handle it.

I'm a bit sad

Today is Halloween and you would never know it. DH and I live in a condo where trick or treating isn't allowed so we didn't buy any candy or decorations. We don't have any kids to take trick or treating or to dress up, and my dog is getting too old to wear a costume. For the last 3 years we dressed him up and it was always a struggle so I decided not to torture him anymore lol. He also has this weird thing where he hates getting his picture taken. When I take out my phone or a camera he runs away and hides. Maybe it has to do with all of the times I have dressed him up and taken pictures of him. What's the point of dressing him up if he won't let me get a picture?

As a child I loved Halloween. It was something that I always looked forward to, but now I dread occasions like this. So, this halloween has made me a bit emotional, maybe it's because of the Lupron or estrogen or maybe it's because of Halloween, I don't know. I'm thinking tomorrow I will have a pity party and eat a few thousand calories worth of price reduced chocolate/candy.

I Have My Protocol

I got AF 10 days after my first Lupron injection. The first thing I did after waking up was email the egg bank coordinator to tell her. Unfortunately, the clinic is delayed by a week and I can't start my cycle until Wednesday :(.  I was told to decrease my Lupron to 5 units. Apply one estrogen patch until Saturday and then change it.  On Wednesday, October 30. I will begin my cycle. On Friday, November 8 I will have an ultrasound to measure my lining. On November 13 DH and I will be on an airplane to go to Georgia. On November 14, DH will give a sample and our eggs will be thawed and fertilized. On November 18, I will meet with the doctor and have a trial embryo transfer. That is so they can measure the lining of my uterus so they can know where to put the embryo(s). On November 19, I will have my transfer and on November 20 DH and I will return home.

The only thing that is standing in my way is my lining. My lining is always quite thin and never has a triple layer so this is concerning me. The only reason why I'm not that worried is because of the meds I am taking. This is a whole new protocol that I have never been on, one that my former doctor wouldn't even consider. He would never let me take estrogen. I went in to his office practically begging for it and there was no way on earth he was budging. The estrogen patches are going to make my lining thick and fluffy and if I keep thinking that, I won't have to worry about any lining issues. The fact that I'm wearing an estrogen patch for an extra week should be enough for my lining to grow properly. I always thought that my lining was never quite ready during ovulation because the drugs caused my follicles to grow rapidly and I ovulated too early. I don't have to worry about any follicles, the only thing that is being treated right now is my uterus. Most of the drugs I am taking is to prepare the uterus so an embryo can implant. The goal of my new clinic is to get me pregnant and out of their program as quickly as possible. If I get pregnant the first go they get money that they wouldn't get if I get pregnant on my second go, so it's in their best interest to get us pregnant and get us out of there, unlike our other clinic who would take little bits of money and keep us there just so they could screw us.

I was Worried for Nothing

I have been worried that AF wouldn't come after Lupron, but it came last night. I am so excited to have one less thing to worry about. As soon as I got out of bed this morning, I emailed my nurse to ask when I can start putting estrogen patches on, and now I am waiting for her to get back to me. It all depends on their schedule when I start the next part of my cycle. It could be a few days before I start estrogen depending on how busy they are. I really hope they say I can start estrogen today so I can book plane tickets and a hotel room. It's crazy to think that if all goes according to plan we could be there in 14 days. I can't believe that I am finally going to have an embryo in me. I never had an embryo before.

I Did It.

I went to the hospital yesterday to meet my new cousin, and it went better than expected. I was not sad at all when I was there. When I was holding the baby, it was like infertility escaped my mind. Not once while holding her did I think of how hard it is for DH and I to have a baby, all I could think of was her and how much I loved her. She is very tiny and it was amusing to watch the movements she was making like opening her eyes and mouth. She was tightly wrapped in a blanket and from time to time her little arm would pop out of it. I am very surprised at how well I did. I thought for sure that I would have a breakdown, but not once did I get sad, in fact I was quite happy. I didn't want to put the baby down. I would have stayed there all day and night if I could lol. I am actually tempted to go back there today, but I'm not because it's too far.  So, what I thought was going to be a bad day turned out to be a good day and I'm very proud of myself for not going insane.

What is making me insane, however, is this damn Lupron. WHERE THE HECK IS AF? Why isn't she here yet? She should have been here days ago. I am 13dpo and this is unusual for me. I am starting to get a bit worried that AF has gone away and won't come back. If she's not here by next week I have to contact my nurse to see what I need to do.  This is making me quite anxious. For the last couple of days I didn't want to take my medicine, but DH won't let me not take it. I guess I will just have to be patient and wait for AF.

I Can Do This

Go to the hospital tomorrow that is. Yup I am going to the worst part of the hospital, the labour and delivery ward. A new family member is being born by c-section and I am going to meet her. I was at the delivery for my cousin's other 3 kids so I can't not be there for him time. I remember when I found out his girlfriend was pregnant I cried for hours and hours straight. I hate being reminded how hard it is to conceive, and when I find out someone is pregnant that's exactly what happens. This baby was unplanned and my cousin wasn't very pleased when he found out. It's so weird how people who don't want babies can have them left right and centre and people who do want them can't or it takes them years of trying. I just can't figure out life sometimes. Although I wasn't happy about this pregnancy, I am ecstatic to have a newborn baby in the family. I remember in my early 20's being so upset when no one in my family was pregnant. I kept wishing that someone would have a baby for the family lol. I still feel the same way, I just most of the time (okay all of the time) wish it was me having a baby.  

I'm still not sure if I want to go, but only because the hospital is 2 hours away from me and what happens if I have a nervous breakdown while I am there? My mom has a mean friend who works at this hospital and I don't want to run into her. I decided a long time ago to never see this person again no matter what under any circumstances because she has turrets syndrome and always gets into fights with people. This is the mother of my ex-pregnant bully, they are the worst human beings on this planet. I am hoping that no fights are started with me on the baby ward because I might just lose it. I can't see her being a bitch while she's at work, but you never know. 

I have 2 great excuses not to go the hospital, but I am going to be strong and go. I want to be there for my cousin and I want to meet the baby.