1 IUI instead of 2 IUI's and sperm DNA fragmentation results

The other day I said that I was giving up. Well, that's not true of course. I say that a lot especially when I'm on AF. Sometimes I just get so frustrated.

I went in today for my cycle day 3 ultrasound and I was not happy with my AFC. It was only 8 in total. That's menopause for you. We also discovered that our fertility clinic is only recommending 1 IUI instead of 2 back to back IUI's. Before it cost $400 for a back to back IUI cycle and $200 for a single IUI. Well now they are charging $350 for 1 IUI or $450 for 2 IUIs. It's only $50 more than before for 2, but they are saying that 2 doesn't increase your odds anymore than 1 does and they only gave us 1 cup. So we are going to do 1 IUI instead of 2 this cycle. I'm taking 7.5 mg of Femara.

DH got his DNA fragmentation test results today. I was very worried about this test. I thought that if it didn't come back bad it would come back borderline high, but it came back perfectly normal. He's in the excellent fertility range when it comes to that test. It was 13.8%, and anything under 30% is normal. Anything less than 15% is considered excellent. I'm curious to see what his post wash SA is.

I go back to the clinic on cycle day 8 because of how fast my follicles grow while I'm on medication. Usually you're supposed to go in on cycle day 10. 

AF is coming, so it's time to call the fertility clinic.

Yesterday my bbt dropped and then today it dropped some more. I have had bad cramps since yesterday. I definitely expect to see AF today which also happens to be my little cousins birthday. She's turning 8 and I can't believe how fast time flies by. I remember visiting her in the hospital when she was just a few hours old. Her mom got me to take care of her for a few minutes while she went down to sign birth papers. I remember being so frightened thinking that something bad would happen to her while I was watching her, but nope. She was a little angel and didn't make a peep for the entire time her mom was gone. It was my first time ever taking care of a newborn baby all by myself. I was single at the time and remember thinking that I would never find a man worthy enough to have kids with, well I was wrong about that.

In about an hour from now I am going to the pharmacy to get my medication for this cycle. I need to get Percocets for my excruciating period cramps. At times like this I wish I could get a sex change. I also need to get Femara. I will be taking 7.5 mg again this cycle along with a HCG trigger shot and a back to back IUI. As soon as AF gets here I will call the fertility clinic and book my cycle day 3 ultrasound. Because my follicle got so big so fast last cycle, my doctor wants me to come in on cycle day 8 to start the monitoring instead of cycle day 10. As soon as my lead follicle gets mature I will get the HCG trigger shot and then hopefully my uterine lining is thick enough to do an IUI. The first time I was going to do an IUI my lining was too thin so we cancelled it. I am very curious to see what DH's post wash sperm count is. I'm hoping since he quit smoking that it has improved. Hey, I just noticed something for the first time LOL. DH are my husbands actual initials. All of this time I have been referring to him as my darling husband without realizing DH is his name....huh. 

Fertility Specialist Appointment~AMH Test Results

We went to see our doctor today. He said we have to be speedy and don't have much time left because my AMH is low at 9 pmol/L. He said I have a low ovarian reserve. This scares the crap out of me because my aunt and my grandmother both went into menopause when they were in their early 30's. It looks like I'm following in their footsteps. Why did I have to get the bad gene? I have no idea how much longer I have, but I hope it's not as early as them. They both had kids, but they were young when they got pregnant. By the time they were my age they were done having kids. 

So with my crappy eggs and my husbands low sperm count, we are going to take my doctors advice and move quickly. The plan so far (the plan could always change, however.) is to have 2 more IUI's. One with Femara and one with Gonal-F. If they don't work we will try Femara on it's own for a couple of more months and then go to IVF. Will we even have a chance at IVF? It looks like adoption may be our only hope.

I Tested This Morning...

...and of course it was a BFFN (big fat fucking negative). I wasn't expecting it to be positive because it never is. I usually don't test this early, but today is my birthday and what a great birthday present it would be to see a second line on a pregnancy test. Oh well, maybe next year.

We are going to the fertility clinic today to talk to our doctor, Dr. Ewok to plan next cycle and to see if my AMH test results are back. I also want to ask him about my big follicle on CD10. The doctor of the day that day said it was too early to be that big, so we will see what my own doctor has to say. I have come to learn that if I want to know anything at all I have to do is ask my doctor because it seems like the other doctors sometimes don't know what they are talking about. I will post about what happened at the doctors later.

I contacted an adoption social worker

I have lost all hope. Every day that goes by I feel more hopeless. I don't think I will ever be able to have a child of my own, so I contacted an adoption social worker. I asked her 2 questions. The first question I asked how long it would take to adopt a baby and if there was a waiting list. She said that if you are adopting privately there is no waiting list, however, the birth mother chooses the adoptive parents so it could take as little as 6 months or as long as 6 years depending if someone chooses you or not. This worries me a little because I don't think anyone would choose me to raise their child. The minute any birth parent laid eyes on me they would be like, "NO WAY!" I'm ugly and shy and I'm pretty sure that will be a problem for anyone. I don't make good first impressions, and not many people like me. 

I also asked the social worker if me not working would be a problem, and she said no. She said as long as we have enough money to support a child that's all that matters.

It's $120 for a consultation with her, and if I'm not pregnant soon we will see her and start the home study process. 

I DON'T WANT IT TO COME TO THIS :(

We are increasing my Progesterone.

My doctor always told me to take 2 a day, but on the box it says to take 3 a day. When I wasn't being monitored I would take 1 a day so I wouldn't worry about running out. The doctor of the day yesterday told us that the clinic policy is to take 3 a day. When I got home I thought about it, and thought that maybe I'm not getting enough progesterone. Even though my luteal phase has lengthened, maybe the progesterone wasn't working. From now on I think we will take 600mg instead of 400mg. 

Ovulation Check...

I ovulated. 

We went to the fertility clinic today where the doctor of the day was Dr. G. I had my cycle day 16 ultrasound this morning. After the ultrasound I saw Dr. G who told me that I ovulated. I assumed I have since my monitor peaked and my basal body temperature spiked. 

This is a funny story. Usually after I ovulate my uterine lining shrinks. It always worries me. I always have a lining that never seems to get bigger than 7mm. Except for when I was on Gonal-F. This time, however, My lining at ovulation was 8 mm. That's the biggest it has ever been, well except for the Gonal-F cycle. This cycle after ovulation my lining was a whopping 11.5!!! Okay, so I know that may not be that good compared to a normal person, bu it made me happy. Even after the Gonal-F cycle my lining shrunk after ovulation. I have been monitored every month for almost a year now, and my lining never grows after ovulation. I'm hoping this means that my body is maybe returning back to normal after the Depo Provera shot. I know this isn't possible, and hey I'm sorry for being optimistic for once, but maybe for once an egg fertilized? I'm probably not pregnant that just seems impossible, but hope is all I have right now. 

Apparently, the government of ontario makes it mandatory for all patients to have an HIV test every six months. On CD3 I had mine done, but DH didn't feel like getting poked that day. He had his done today. I don't want my DH to have to be poked every six months. He doesn't like it, and they can never get his veins. 

I'm making an appointment with my regular doctor, Dr. Ewok. We are going to ask him for my AMH test results. We are going to ask him what we should do with our medication, and we are demanding an IUI (inter uterine insemination) for next cycle. Hopefully, it doesn't get to that. I'm sick of this TTC journey now. I want it to end with a happy ending, NOW! and then we will start the journey again for number 2,3,4,5,6, and 7. Yup, I'm getting greedy. I went from wanting no kids to 1 kid to 2 kids, a now because INFERTILITY sucks I want 7. The funny thing is, DH says he doesn't mind. I'm sure our opinions will change after we have kids of course. I want to have a big family now. Is it karma that 10 years ago I didn't want a family? That's only because I didn't think I would meet anyone like DH to have kids with.