I contacted an adoption social worker

I have lost all hope. Every day that goes by I feel more hopeless. I don't think I will ever be able to have a child of my own, so I contacted an adoption social worker. I asked her 2 questions. The first question I asked how long it would take to adopt a baby and if there was a waiting list. She said that if you are adopting privately there is no waiting list, however, the birth mother chooses the adoptive parents so it could take as little as 6 months or as long as 6 years depending if someone chooses you or not. This worries me a little because I don't think anyone would choose me to raise their child. The minute any birth parent laid eyes on me they would be like, "NO WAY!" I'm ugly and shy and I'm pretty sure that will be a problem for anyone. I don't make good first impressions, and not many people like me. 

I also asked the social worker if me not working would be a problem, and she said no. She said as long as we have enough money to support a child that's all that matters.

It's $120 for a consultation with her, and if I'm not pregnant soon we will see her and start the home study process. 

I DON'T WANT IT TO COME TO THIS :(

We are increasing my Progesterone.

My doctor always told me to take 2 a day, but on the box it says to take 3 a day. When I wasn't being monitored I would take 1 a day so I wouldn't worry about running out. The doctor of the day yesterday told us that the clinic policy is to take 3 a day. When I got home I thought about it, and thought that maybe I'm not getting enough progesterone. Even though my luteal phase has lengthened, maybe the progesterone wasn't working. From now on I think we will take 600mg instead of 400mg. 

Ovulation Check...

I ovulated. 

We went to the fertility clinic today where the doctor of the day was Dr. G. I had my cycle day 16 ultrasound this morning. After the ultrasound I saw Dr. G who told me that I ovulated. I assumed I have since my monitor peaked and my basal body temperature spiked. 

This is a funny story. Usually after I ovulate my uterine lining shrinks. It always worries me. I always have a lining that never seems to get bigger than 7mm. Except for when I was on Gonal-F. This time, however, My lining at ovulation was 8 mm. That's the biggest it has ever been, well except for the Gonal-F cycle. This cycle after ovulation my lining was a whopping 11.5!!! Okay, so I know that may not be that good compared to a normal person, bu it made me happy. Even after the Gonal-F cycle my lining shrunk after ovulation. I have been monitored every month for almost a year now, and my lining never grows after ovulation. I'm hoping this means that my body is maybe returning back to normal after the Depo Provera shot. I know this isn't possible, and hey I'm sorry for being optimistic for once, but maybe for once an egg fertilized? I'm probably not pregnant that just seems impossible, but hope is all I have right now. 

Apparently, the government of ontario makes it mandatory for all patients to have an HIV test every six months. On CD3 I had mine done, but DH didn't feel like getting poked that day. He had his done today. I don't want my DH to have to be poked every six months. He doesn't like it, and they can never get his veins. 

I'm making an appointment with my regular doctor, Dr. Ewok. We are going to ask him for my AMH test results. We are going to ask him what we should do with our medication, and we are demanding an IUI (inter uterine insemination) for next cycle. Hopefully, it doesn't get to that. I'm sick of this TTC journey now. I want it to end with a happy ending, NOW! and then we will start the journey again for number 2,3,4,5,6, and 7. Yup, I'm getting greedy. I went from wanting no kids to 1 kid to 2 kids, a now because INFERTILITY sucks I want 7. The funny thing is, DH says he doesn't mind. I'm sure our opinions will change after we have kids of course. I want to have a big family now. Is it karma that 10 years ago I didn't want a family? That's only because I didn't think I would meet anyone like DH to have kids with. 

The Fertility Clinic Called

They said my LH was surging. I'm going back on wednesday for an ovulation check. I was pretty sure they would call because of the clear blue fertility monitor peak. 

Cycle Monitoring Update. CD14

The doctor of the day today was Dr. Jong. He said that there's a controversy about follicle size and fertilization. He said that any follicle that is bigger than 28mm is harder to fertilize. Well, I hope that's not true because my follicle was 28mm today. It is the biggest that it has ever been because I always get a HCG trigger shot before it reaches that big. When I wasn't on medication and being monitoring, my follicle size only got as big as 18mm. I'm hoping the bigger the target is the better it is for the sperm to get to. Dr. Jong offered us a trigger shot, but we decided not to get one. Good thing we didn't get one because as soon as I got home my Clearblue Fertility Monitor peaked. I was pretty sure I was going to surge soon because yesterday a dollar store OPK had a dark line. I guess the fertility clinic will be calling me in the afternoon to let me know. Now it's just a waiting game, that I always lose of course so I don't see how this month will be any different. 

HUGE CD10 follicle size on after taking Femaara

Well, I had my cycle day 10 ultrasound today, and I'm not sure what to think. Let me start from the beginning, you know from when I woke up? I woke up took my temperature, and then went to pee on a CBFM stick. My monitor read low, and the stick looked like a low. The one side was very dark. I was shocked when I went to the fertility clinic this morning to find out that my lead follicle was 21 mm. Femara is an estrogen blocker which could explain the low on my monitor. It wouldn't surprise me at all if my monitor skips the highs and goes straight to a peak. If we were getting a trigger, I would know what to expect, but since we aren't I have no idea. We are also going away for 4 days, so I won't be able to go back to get any follow up ultrasounds. The doctor said I could go back on Monday, but by then it would be too late and getting poked and probed just to see if I ovulated wouldn't be worth it. I might just go anyway. I will definitely go if I have no signs of ovulation like no temp rise, peak on my monitor, or a positive OPK.

Well, I'm off to get my allergy shot now. 

Ovary Pain While On Femara

My doctor has me on 7.5 mg of Femara from days 3-7. Since the second day of taking it, I have been having very bad ovary pain. I know they are just developing follicles, but it's very annoying and hurts. I don't remember this happening with Clomid or Femara before, so this is kind of weird. I'm going for my cycle day 10 monitoring appointment tomorrow. Hopefully, they'll have a reason as to why I'm experiencing so much pain.