I Started a New Pregnancy Blog

I will no longer write in this blog, but keep it around for anyone who is interested in reading it.

If you would like to follow my pregnancy blog, you can go here: My Pregnancy Blog

I had my first beta today, and at 6dp5dt it was 41. My tests are getting darker and my symptoms are getting intense. I am enjoying every moment of this.

My FRER is Showing a LIne!

In the middle of the night I took a first response pregnancy test and it came back positive! It's very light, but obviously there. This all seems so surreal to me. I can't believe that this actually worked and I am finally knocked up. Now I have to stay calm and not worry about complications. It's still very early at 3 weeks 4 days.

For all of you who are in that dark place right now, please don't ever lose hope. Miracles do happen. I will never forget how hard my journey was. Infertility SUCKS and I hope my story has given women who suffer from it some hope. Please don't ever give up!

I am going to start a pregnancy blog, as I don't want to upset anyone. Once I have it set up, I will provide the link.

I would like to thank everyone who has supported me during the way. May your hopes and dreams come true one day!

PREGNANT!!!!!!

The digital says 1-2 weeks OMFG!!!!!!

After 3 years of hell and LOADS of money later, we finally did it!

My Dollar Store Test is Positive!

I am so confused. As you can see this dollar store test is very positive. I took 4 dollar store tests that all had very dark lines like this one. The only problem is that my first response keeps coming back with faint lines or are negative. I am totally confused and don't get it. I got DH to pee on a dollar store test and his was stark white negative, so I'm pretty sure this isn't an evap. Why on earth hasn't the FRER been dark? Are dollar store tests really more sensitive than FRERs? I'm driving myself crazy with these tests lol. Am I pregnant, or am I just having bad luck with tests?

DH is the best. He is at the drugstore as we speak getting me some digitals. I can't drive because of my vision and he told me to stay home while he goes out to get me tests. I love that man.

What the hell is going on with this damn test?

My Tweaked Test

I tweaked my test and so see a line. When I tweaked my test from yesterday and the day before, I saw nothing. Please let this be it. I only have 4 tests left lol. I am going to use one later tonight and then again tomorrow. That will leave me with 2 tests that I will use on Monday.

I think it worked.

So I woke up this morning and took a FRER and within seconds the faintest pink line showed up. It's so light that it's hard to see, but without a doubt it is there. I'm not getting my hopes up yet since the test could be faulty or I'm just seeing things. I have peed on millions of tests within the past 3 years and have only seen second lines when I was taking HCG. This time I didn't need to have a trigger shot, so why else would there be a line? Maybe I am just getting my hopes up and seeing things, I don't know. In a few hours I will pee again lol.
Here's my test from this morning 4dp5dpt:

My symptoms so far

I know some of you may think it's too early to feel symptoms and that most symptoms are caused by medications, but the fact that I have been taking estrogen and progesterone for a long time now, and my symptoms just started yesterday, makes me think that they may be real. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I did have 2 perfect embryos placed in my uterus so there's a good chance I could be pregnant. (I hope I didn't jinx myself by saying that). These are my symptoms:

1. fatigue/exhaustion
2. irritability
3. extreme hunger
4. weird and vivid dreams
5. mild uterine cramping and pinching
6. a weird taste in my mouth that tastes like blood
7. very bad headaches (I NEVER get headaches)

I'm not sure if these symptoms mean anything, but a girl can wish right? After 3 years of trying to have a baby, I notice every little thing that is going on in my body. DH said that I have been acting very strange lately and he has noticed a difference in my personality. 

The only problem is my gut is telling me that I'm not pregnant. Deep down I can feel that this hasn't worked. I hate feeling like this. I wish I wasn't so negative all of the time, and it doesn't help that my FRERs are coming back negative. I know 3dp5dpt is insanely early, so I have to keep that in mind. Someone at the RBA told me that in the past month 3 ladies had negative HPTs but had positive betas. My blood test is scheduled for this Wednesday and I have no idea how to keep sane until then lol. I will continue to pee on pregnancy tests until then and hope that a second line shows. As soon as I wake up tomorrow I will take another FRER. If it was negative today I don't see it being positive tomorrow, but you never know. The idea of getting pregnant just seems impossible. I feel my odds of winning the $50 million lotto max tonight are better than seeing a second line on a test lol. 

Some Embryo Photoshop Fun

Yeah, I have way too much time on my hands lol. I have been playing around with my embryo on photoshop and have made a couple of pictures. I suck at photoshop and am just learning to use it.


I am going to continue to make my embryo look pretty lol. I just need to think of some ideas.

Let The Daily Testing Begin!

My plan this cycle was to test every day after my transfer. Yesterday I tested and saw absolutely nothing, obviously. Today I tested thinking I wouldn't see anything, but I swear I see the faintest of faintest line. It's probably my eyes playing tricks on me, but I'm having fun so that's all that matters. I know from past experiences not to get my hopes up. I also know that 2dp5dpt is waaaay too early, but I need something to keep my mind preoccupied so why not test every day? lol.

Here's my picture of todays test. It's a bit blurry, but if you look closely there's a hint of a pink line.

I don't think it worked

I had my transfer yesterday and today I am convinced it hasn't worked. I know it's still early, but I'm pretty sure this isn't happening. This afternoon I started to feel very cranky and bitchy! I am majorly PMSing. I am so irritable that I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs for absolutely no reason at all. I have been seeing big spots of bright red blood when I wipe after using the washroom. I knew it was too good to be true. WTF is wrong with me? I don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I was so excited and hopeful yesterday, but that has all changed today. FML!

Embryo Transfer Complete!

I just finished my transfer, and everything went better than expected. I thought for sure all 4 of my embryos were going to die. When I went into the room for my transfer I saw one embryo on the screen so then I thought that it was the only embryo that made it. The embryologist came into the room to tell me that all 4 of my embryos made it to blasts and they were perfect. He insisted that I only transfer 1, but after going at this for so long I wanted the best chance so I begged him to transfer 2. After about 30 minutes of him saying no, he finally gave in and allowed me to transfer 2 lol. I'm not sure what the grades of the embryos are, but I was told they were the best they could be for day 5. Not only did we have 2 transferred, but we also have 2 frozen embryos. I am so excited to finally be at this point, as I never thought I would make it to a transfer. I am feeling very confident. I know that may be a bad thing because I don't want to get my hopes up. I have had my hopes up many times before, but this time is different, it's something we have never done before.

Even though I had 2 transferred, they gave me a picture of 1. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I thought a blast would have had more going on. I guess it's time to google like crazy lol.

Fertilization Report and Other Stuff.

Yesterday DH gave a sample and our 8 eggs were thawed. I got a message today from the RBA that 4 out of the 8 eggs fertilized and are at the 2 PN stage right now. I'm a bit discouraged by the report. I think the average fertilization rate of frozen eggs at the RBA is something like 70-90%. If only 4 eggs were fertilized I wonder how many will grow properly and be ready for transfer. I am freaking out thinking that they will all arrest and I will have none to transfer. I was expecting a better fertilization report, so I am a bit sad and worried as hell. I am seeing my doctor on Monday and will find out then if the 4 embryos made it. Let's just say that this is going to be a torturous weekend and I'm not going to stop worrying. I hope and pray that all 4 make it and we will be successful, but I have the worst luck it seems when it comes to my fertility that I just don't know anymore. Oh well, it's out of my hands and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. All I can do is hope for the best. I just wish I wasn't the worrying type.

The weather here in Atlanta is pretty shitty, it's cold and gloomy just like at home in Toronto. I miss my puppy a lot and can't wait to see him again when I get home. My parents are at my house taking care of him and my mom said that he woke her up in the middle of the night crying. This is not like him at all. He never wakes up through the night. I'm guessing he misses DH and I, poor thing.

We are for sure going to Universal Studios in Orlando tomorrow. It's a 6 hour drive so we have to wake up very early. We will leave here around 6am, stay there for a few hours and return to Atlanta sometime at night. I have always wanted to go to Universal Studios so I can't wait!!! When I was 14 and at my aunt's house, she told her kids right in front of my brothers and I that she was taking them to Universal Studios. I will never forget how happy her kids were when they found out, but I will definitely not forget how sad my brothers and I were when she told them right in front of us. What kind of an adult does that? It was one of the meanest things that anyone has ever done to me as a child. I spent the whole day at her house listening to her kids saying, "haha, we get to go to Florida and you don't". My aunt then proceeded to tell us that we would never get the chance to go to Florida because we were too poor to afford it. What a BITCH! Why did she have to tell her kids in front of us, and why couldn't she have told them when we left her house? It was like, gee let's invite my niece and nephews over so we can brag to them how we get to go to Florida and they don't. Well, 17 years later and karma sure has shown itself to her. Thanks karma! Okay, so that was off topic, but it was bugging me so I had to get it off my chest.

Progesterone in Oil Was Painless

My old crook of an RE told me that progesterone given by a needle was painful and expensive. What a liar that idiot was. First of all, it's not that expensive. After insurance it came to $30 for 2 vials, $154 without insurance. The suppositories that the crook sold me were $100 per cycle. They were gross and disgusting. After a suppository I needed to lie down for at least 20 minutes so it wouldn't leak out of me. I always had to wear a pad because the suppositories, well you know. The progesterone suppositories were nasty and way worse than the progesterone sesame oil.

The progesterone in oil was very easy and painless. I would rather have PIO than suppositories any day. If you are afraid of pain from progesterone needles, don't be since they were a piece of cake. The only down side to the progesterone oil is that it's very thick so it's hard to draw up with the syringe. The needle I was terrified of was nothing and I can't believe I was nervous about it for so long. The old RE told me it would leave huge welts but it left nothing. I had no pain during or after the needle. It was a huge relief.

This morning DH and I went to the RBA so he could give a sample. At some point today my eggs will be thawed and fertilized. I'm not sure if they are going to call me with a fertilization report or not. It says on my protocol that they will in a couple of days, but I have read online that they don't. I'm going to see my doctor on Monday for a trial embryo transfer and then go back on Tuesday for the actual transfer. On Wednesday DH and I will fly home and wait to test. Now I'm sitting in the hotel while DH is working. He can work anywhere that has a wifi connection.  Now I'm trying to figure out what there is to do in Atlanta. I'm bored lol.

PIO Shot

Tomorrow is the day when I start PIO and I'm freaking out a bit about it. I don't usually mind needles, but this one is kind of scaring me because DH is giving it to me and he has no idea what he's doing lol. If this wasn't an intramuscular injection I wouldn't be that worried, but since I was told it's possible for the needle to hit a nerve and my leg could go numb, I am scared. If a doctor was giving me the needle I wouldn't be worried. The needle is so long. Why couldn't they make a progesterone shot that you can take once a week instead of once a day?

Why can't I be normal and get pregnant easily? The other day my husband's uncle asked us when we were going to have kids and we told him that we were trying but it's taking us longer than it should. He said that at least trying is the fun part LMAO!!!! Oh only if he knew the hell we are going through. I don't know anyone who had to go on an airplane to a different country just to get knocked up. Most people can have sex to get pregnant.

Estrogen Side Effects

At first the estrogen patches weren't giving me any issues but now they are starting to become very annoying. They hurt like hell! It feels like they're burning off my skin. I am now wearing four at a time and I hate them with a passion. My skin is dark red where the patches are and very sore. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this, and my stupid pharmacist said that there's no other brand. I'm having a hard time believing that crap. There's no way in hell that these big stupid things are the only patches they sell, there's just no way. I'm kind of getting sick of the pharmacist blowing smoke up my ass and lying to me. Our insurance only covers generic brands, and even though I told the pharmacist that I don't care if I have to pay extra money for better patches, he still says that these are the only ones I can get. I had no idea that skin could get this red and the stupid pharmacist doesn't seem to care. I have an appointment with the doctor in the US on Monday so I am going to show her what these stupid patches have done to me in hopes that she will put me on a different kind of estrogen. The Dr. in Atlanta prescribed Vivelle Dot Patches, but they're not sold in Canada. I wonder if I get a prescription for them in the US if a pharmacy there can fill it. If I can't get Vivelle Dot patches or a different form of estrogen I'm going to ask the fertility specialist here if there's another type of patch.

Not only is the estrogen irritating my skin, it's also making me quite cranky. I've been in a bad mood ever since starting them and it gets worse every time I increase the dose. My butt is swollen from the patches. I'm bloated everywhere to the point where my clothes aren't fitting me. I am always exhausted, I'm not sure if that's from the lupron or the estrogen but since I got more tired once I added estrogen I'm going to blame it on that.

Tomorrow I get to add a whole bunch of other crap to the mix of drugs I'm taking...YAY me!

Things to Do In Atlanta

The countdown to Atlanta is on. In 4 days DH and I will be on an airplane flying south for fertility treatment. I never imagined in my life that I would need to leave the country for a medical procedure. Socialized medicine in Canada sucks! You certainly do get what you pay for. DH and I have never been to Atlanta and don't have the slightest idea what we will do when we are there besides uncomfortable medical stuff. DH wants to go to the aquarium and I would like to go on tour of The Walking Dead set, but besides that I'm lost for ideas. Our hotel is right next to a mall so I can see us doing a lot of shopping, yay for cheap stuff and sales! Here in Canada everything is expensive. I can buy a pair of shoes in the US for a third of what it costs here.

Out of the blue, DH told me he wants to go to The Simpsons Springfield in Orlando. I thought he meant in a few years from now, but he wants to go while we are in Atlanta lol. We are renting a car and it takes 6 hours to drive to Orlando from Atlanta, well maybe 3 hours with the way DH drives lol. Of course since he mentioned Florida I became really happy and have been bugging him to go. He loves The Simpsons so yesterday while he was working I sent him this picture via ichat to remind him about it.

He was quite surprised when he saw a message from me because I never use ichat lol. He started laughing loudly and said thanks for planting the seed. Hmmm, he's the one that planted the seed in the first place lol. It's not a for sure thing yet because DH hurt his back a while ago and can't do much. He said we will go depending on how he feels when we're in Atlanta. He loves The Simpsons so much that I'm sure he's going to want to go. I think it would be good for the both of us to go to Orlando and get things off of our mind. This is a very stressful time for the both of us and entertainment is healthy.

I'm not totally sure what we will do there yet and since I'm such a planner, it's kind of bugging me. I'm sure we will have lots of fun whatever we do. When I get home I will do an Atlanta/Orlando review lol. If anyone reading this lives in or around Atlanta please give me some suggestions.

Lining Check

For the first time in months I was at a fertility clinic getting an ultrasound. DH and I woke up around 6 this morning for my appointment. DH is great, he's my number one supporter and is by my side for everything. He always comes to my appointments and has never missed one. That's what best friends are for, they're always by your side. I feel so grateful to have him as my husband. I never believed in love or soul mates until he came along.

I was a bit nervous about todays ultrasound for a few reasons.

1.  I wasn't sure if my lining would be thick enough to continue my cycle. (It's never thick)
2.  I was afraid the ultrasound tech wouldn't be nice, and was nervous that someone else would be looking at my private parts lol.
3. I thought I would have a hard time getting results faxed to the US clinic we are using.

I am happy to announce that everything turned out great and everything is going as planned. My lining was better than ever at 10.4mm and is trilaminar! 

At my old clinic my lining was never trilaminar and was always double layered. My scam artist of a doctor said that it never mattered how many layers my lining was, as long as it is over 5mm. I am so happy to be out of that place. I was so happy when my nurse called me this morning to say that my lining, according to the ultrasound technician, was the best she has ever seen for someone on estrogen patches. While I was there the tech told me that my lining was perfect, beautiful and fabulous, something I never heard anyone say.

For once in this journey everything is going great. Before my IVF cycle, I wasn't confident at all that it would work. I was a maniac thinking that something would go wrong, and it turned out I was right. This time I'm very confident and deep down can feel that it will work and I will finally have my long awaited BFP. 

I'm Starting to Feel Better

Trying to get pregnant has been one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I used to be in a very dark place during TTC. Everything made me depressed and I wasn't interested in things that I normally find interesting. I'm a huge TV fan, yeah I'll admit that I am a couch potato. There's nothing more I enjoy than sitting in front of the TV with my laptop. To some of you that may sound pathetic, but it's what I enjoy. For the longest time I lost interest in TV and my computer because I found it hard to concentrate on anything. And it seemed as if everything I watched on TV had something to do with pregnancy. We saved $20 a month on electricity from keeping the TV off lol. I found it hard to go outside because everywhere we went I saw a pregnant woman or teenager. I love shopping but couldn't bring myself to go to a mall out of fear for what I might have seen. I stopped participating in online support groups for infertility because I found it really hard to give support to others when I was feeling so down myself. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes I would spend hours crying. I was so frustrated and confused about infertility.

For whatever reason I have changed. I don't feel bitter and depressed like I used to feel. Instead of feeling sad and angry towards pregnant women, I am happy for them. I'm glad they're pregnant and  hope that they didn't have to go through what I am to get their baby. I don't wish infertility on anyone and pray that women don't have to go through hell to have families.

Yesterday I looked for some old online friends to see how they were doing. Most of them have babies and some are pregnant with their second or third. I was looking at pictures of their families and was so excited for them. It was great to see how happy they were and how much their babies have grown. I did this once before and regretted it and cried as soon as I saw pictures of their babies. But yesterday was different. I wasn't sad at all looking at pictures of their children and could only think of how happy I am for them.

I also find it easier to browse through forums, and for the first time in years I like to look at pregnancy tests, especially squinters lol.

I'm afraid I will turn bitter again if my egg donor cycle doesn't work, but I know we have tried almost everything to achieve our goal and feel lucky DH and I are in a position to afford IVF with donor eggs.

The only thing that's on my mind...

By the end of this month I will know if my cycle has worked. I may use a FRER 10DPO. If I can find a good deal on them, I'll take one every day after my transfer. I don't know what I will do yet. Do I want to surprise myself and wait? Or do I want to take one every day?

Ovary pain and EWCM, this could be a problem.

Yesterday I began to have ovulation pains and EWCM. Now I'm starting to freak out thinking that the Lupron isn't doing it's job and I am going to ovulate. If Lupron is working and I'm not ovulating, then why am I having ovulation pains, could I have cysts? I guess I will find out on Friday when I have my lining check. The EWCM could be from the estrogen patches. Since I started my cycle, I have been worried about every little thing that could go wrong.  I pray that my ultrasound on Friday is normal. It's hard to believe we are leaving in little over a week.