Scared and Confused :( Gonal-F

I think that I will start to blog more often. I like to get things off of my mind, and writing is very therapeutic. Trying to have a baby has become very depressing and hard for me. I am SHOCKED that I haven't gotten pregnant yet. I thought for sure that it would have happened by now. Almost everyone I know in real life seems to have no problems conceiving. Over a year ago at my wedding there were 4 women who after we got married got pregnant and now all babies. Why couldn't that be us? I was convinced that I would be pregnant before our wedding in March 2011, but boy was I wrong. When my period returned to normal after I came off of birth control, I thought bam I would be pregnant just like that. Just like a family friend I know. The month she came off of birth control she got pregnant, but I have been off of birth control for over 2 years now, so why hasn't it happened yet? Oh, this is also the same person who threw her pregnancy in my face. She knew we were trying, but would do and say mean things to me. That's a whole other story. People in the world can be cruel.

Why am I scared? I am afraid that I will never be a mother and my husband will never be a father and that we will never have a family :( Is asking for a child too much to ask for? I mean I already have so much in my life right now that I thought I would never have. I never thought in a million years I would meet a man who I would love so much and marry. There are a lot of women out there who are single and would die for the love that my husband and I have for each other. I'm afraid that my body is wrecked and I will never be able to get pregnant. I don't respond well to fertility medications, so I am afraid that we will need IVF and the drugs they will give me won't give me enough eggs for it to work. The thought of never having children scares the hell out of me. It's a weird feeling because 5 years ago I didn't think I would ever have kids. I didn't think I would marry my husband and I never thought I would financially be able afford children.

Why am I confused? GONAL-F IS WHY!!!! I am not producing as many follicles as I thought I would be. I see women on low doses of Clomid produce more follicles than I am while I'm taking Gonal-F which I thought was supposed to be a better medication. It sure as hell costs way more. $1297 for Gonal-F so far this cycle!!!! And, who knows if we will have to buy more.  I am on cycle day 11 today and only have 3 small follicles measuring 16, 14, 13 mm. I was expecting to see way more at this point, and I was also expecting to see bigger ones. The doctor today at Isis (my fertility clinic) didn't seem to be concerned. He did say that they were growing slowly, but he said that everyone is different and that's just how my body is. He said it is like how some people are short and some people are tall, blah blah blah. I have to point out that he's not my regular RE, but he's the doctor of the day. At our clinic they have a bunch of doctors who take turns everyday seeing patients, but everyone is assigned to one doctor. When I have my IUI's and am monitored I see the doctor of the day. This is the only thing that I don't like about my clinic because it seems like the only doctor who knows anything about me is mine. The other doctors only look at what was done that day and not your whole history. It also seems like every doctor has a different opinion about things. For an example, one doctor told me that I don't need progesterone, but my own doctor said that I do. One doctor said that he likes to see FSH under 14, but another one said they like to see it under 11. I consider myself to be very lucky that I have the doctor that I have. If I had someone else, there's no way they would do the things that Dr. Ewok does for me like check progesterone levels and stuff. Back to Gonal-F. I don't understand why I'm not making that many follicles. I will be lucky and excited if I have 2 at the time of trigger which is sad because I thought that I would have had a lot more. I see women online get like 4-6 with smaller doses of Gonal-F than I am on. I have seen a few women get 9 mature follicles. Where are their follicles coming from, and why don't I have as many as them? I know I shouldn't compare myself with others, but it's very hard not to when I seem to be abnormal compared to everyone. My hope is that all 3 of the follicles I have will grow and mature for the trigger shot. I could have sworn when the doctor was showing me my follicle sizes that there were a few at 11mm, but he said I had 3. The goal is to get all three of these suckers to mature. I just feel like I have a better shot at getting pregnant with more follicles. More targets for DH's little swimmers to get to. When I saw my RE earlier this week he said he would be working all weekend, so that's very exciting for me. I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Ewok tomorrow to see what he thinks of these little tiny follicles and to ask him why they aren't growing as fast as they did while I was on Clomid.

WOW, that was long and all over the place, but writing really helps with TTC insanity.

Oh, and if anyone is wondering why my font is so huge, it's because my vision is horrible and I like the font big lol.