Lining Check

For the first time in months I was at a fertility clinic getting an ultrasound. DH and I woke up around 6 this morning for my appointment. DH is great, he's my number one supporter and is by my side for everything. He always comes to my appointments and has never missed one. That's what best friends are for, they're always by your side. I feel so grateful to have him as my husband. I never believed in love or soul mates until he came along.

I was a bit nervous about todays ultrasound for a few reasons.

1.  I wasn't sure if my lining would be thick enough to continue my cycle. (It's never thick)
2.  I was afraid the ultrasound tech wouldn't be nice, and was nervous that someone else would be looking at my private parts lol.
3. I thought I would have a hard time getting results faxed to the US clinic we are using.

I am happy to announce that everything turned out great and everything is going as planned. My lining was better than ever at 10.4mm and is trilaminar! 

At my old clinic my lining was never trilaminar and was always double layered. My scam artist of a doctor said that it never mattered how many layers my lining was, as long as it is over 5mm. I am so happy to be out of that place. I was so happy when my nurse called me this morning to say that my lining, according to the ultrasound technician, was the best she has ever seen for someone on estrogen patches. While I was there the tech told me that my lining was perfect, beautiful and fabulous, something I never heard anyone say.

For once in this journey everything is going great. Before my IVF cycle, I wasn't confident at all that it would work. I was a maniac thinking that something would go wrong, and it turned out I was right. This time I'm very confident and deep down can feel that it will work and I will finally have my long awaited BFP. 

I'm Starting to Feel Better

Trying to get pregnant has been one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I used to be in a very dark place during TTC. Everything made me depressed and I wasn't interested in things that I normally find interesting. I'm a huge TV fan, yeah I'll admit that I am a couch potato. There's nothing more I enjoy than sitting in front of the TV with my laptop. To some of you that may sound pathetic, but it's what I enjoy. For the longest time I lost interest in TV and my computer because I found it hard to concentrate on anything. And it seemed as if everything I watched on TV had something to do with pregnancy. We saved $20 a month on electricity from keeping the TV off lol. I found it hard to go outside because everywhere we went I saw a pregnant woman or teenager. I love shopping but couldn't bring myself to go to a mall out of fear for what I might have seen. I stopped participating in online support groups for infertility because I found it really hard to give support to others when I was feeling so down myself. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes I would spend hours crying. I was so frustrated and confused about infertility.

For whatever reason I have changed. I don't feel bitter and depressed like I used to feel. Instead of feeling sad and angry towards pregnant women, I am happy for them. I'm glad they're pregnant and  hope that they didn't have to go through what I am to get their baby. I don't wish infertility on anyone and pray that women don't have to go through hell to have families.

Yesterday I looked for some old online friends to see how they were doing. Most of them have babies and some are pregnant with their second or third. I was looking at pictures of their families and was so excited for them. It was great to see how happy they were and how much their babies have grown. I did this once before and regretted it and cried as soon as I saw pictures of their babies. But yesterday was different. I wasn't sad at all looking at pictures of their children and could only think of how happy I am for them.

I also find it easier to browse through forums, and for the first time in years I like to look at pregnancy tests, especially squinters lol.

I'm afraid I will turn bitter again if my egg donor cycle doesn't work, but I know we have tried almost everything to achieve our goal and feel lucky DH and I are in a position to afford IVF with donor eggs.

The only thing that's on my mind...

By the end of this month I will know if my cycle has worked. I may use a FRER 10DPO. If I can find a good deal on them, I'll take one every day after my transfer. I don't know what I will do yet. Do I want to surprise myself and wait? Or do I want to take one every day?

Ovary pain and EWCM, this could be a problem.

Yesterday I began to have ovulation pains and EWCM. Now I'm starting to freak out thinking that the Lupron isn't doing it's job and I am going to ovulate. If Lupron is working and I'm not ovulating, then why am I having ovulation pains, could I have cysts? I guess I will find out on Friday when I have my lining check. The EWCM could be from the estrogen patches. Since I started my cycle, I have been worried about every little thing that could go wrong.  I pray that my ultrasound on Friday is normal. It's hard to believe we are leaving in little over a week.

Estrogen Patch Trouble

The good news about the estrogen patches is that they don't make me itchy. I have sensitive skin and break out easily in rashes when I come into contact with certain things. I have two doctors, one in Georgia and one here in Toronto. The doctor in Georgia orders my medication and then the doctor here prescribes it. Not too long ago I noticed that my estrogen patches are different from the ones that the Georgia doctor ordered for me. They are different brand names, but this could be a problem. I am supposed to be taking Vivelle Dot patches, but since they don't have Vivelle dot patches here in Canada my pharmacist gave me these huge ass circle patches. Eventually I will need to have 4 patches on at once, and I don't think that's possible because there are only a few parts of my body where they can go. Look at how big this thing is:



I guess as long as the patches give me the same amount of medication as the ones that were ordered there shouldn't be any problems. I want to email the egg coordinator, but I am scared that she will delay my cycle and tell me that I have to use another form of estrogen. We already booked our plane tickets so I don't want to risk my cycle being delayed. I asked my pharmacist if he can get me a smaller patch and he said he would look into it. Yesterday I wasted 3 patches because it wouldn't stick to me. Because these things are so big, they crumple up on me and I get worried thinking that maybe they're not working like they should be.

I just realized something, the donor egg program we are in has to be completed within 2 years. That means that if it doesn't work, I will have to spend the next 2 years on injections, pills and patches. That's a lot of drugs, I hope I can handle it.

I'm a bit sad

Today is Halloween and you would never know it. DH and I live in a condo where trick or treating isn't allowed so we didn't buy any candy or decorations. We don't have any kids to take trick or treating or to dress up, and my dog is getting too old to wear a costume. For the last 3 years we dressed him up and it was always a struggle so I decided not to torture him anymore lol. He also has this weird thing where he hates getting his picture taken. When I take out my phone or a camera he runs away and hides. Maybe it has to do with all of the times I have dressed him up and taken pictures of him. What's the point of dressing him up if he won't let me get a picture?

As a child I loved Halloween. It was something that I always looked forward to, but now I dread occasions like this. So, this halloween has made me a bit emotional, maybe it's because of the Lupron or estrogen or maybe it's because of Halloween, I don't know. I'm thinking tomorrow I will have a pity party and eat a few thousand calories worth of price reduced chocolate/candy.

I Have My Protocol

I got AF 10 days after my first Lupron injection. The first thing I did after waking up was email the egg bank coordinator to tell her. Unfortunately, the clinic is delayed by a week and I can't start my cycle until Wednesday :(.  I was told to decrease my Lupron to 5 units. Apply one estrogen patch until Saturday and then change it.  On Wednesday, October 30. I will begin my cycle. On Friday, November 8 I will have an ultrasound to measure my lining. On November 13 DH and I will be on an airplane to go to Georgia. On November 14, DH will give a sample and our eggs will be thawed and fertilized. On November 18, I will meet with the doctor and have a trial embryo transfer. That is so they can measure the lining of my uterus so they can know where to put the embryo(s). On November 19, I will have my transfer and on November 20 DH and I will return home.

The only thing that is standing in my way is my lining. My lining is always quite thin and never has a triple layer so this is concerning me. The only reason why I'm not that worried is because of the meds I am taking. This is a whole new protocol that I have never been on, one that my former doctor wouldn't even consider. He would never let me take estrogen. I went in to his office practically begging for it and there was no way on earth he was budging. The estrogen patches are going to make my lining thick and fluffy and if I keep thinking that, I won't have to worry about any lining issues. The fact that I'm wearing an estrogen patch for an extra week should be enough for my lining to grow properly. I always thought that my lining was never quite ready during ovulation because the drugs caused my follicles to grow rapidly and I ovulated too early. I don't have to worry about any follicles, the only thing that is being treated right now is my uterus. Most of the drugs I am taking is to prepare the uterus so an embryo can implant. The goal of my new clinic is to get me pregnant and out of their program as quickly as possible. If I get pregnant the first go they get money that they wouldn't get if I get pregnant on my second go, so it's in their best interest to get us pregnant and get us out of there, unlike our other clinic who would take little bits of money and keep us there just so they could screw us.