I was Worried for Nothing

I have been worried that AF wouldn't come after Lupron, but it came last night. I am so excited to have one less thing to worry about. As soon as I got out of bed this morning, I emailed my nurse to ask when I can start putting estrogen patches on, and now I am waiting for her to get back to me. It all depends on their schedule when I start the next part of my cycle. It could be a few days before I start estrogen depending on how busy they are. I really hope they say I can start estrogen today so I can book plane tickets and a hotel room. It's crazy to think that if all goes according to plan we could be there in 14 days. I can't believe that I am finally going to have an embryo in me. I never had an embryo before.

I Did It.

I went to the hospital yesterday to meet my new cousin, and it went better than expected. I was not sad at all when I was there. When I was holding the baby, it was like infertility escaped my mind. Not once while holding her did I think of how hard it is for DH and I to have a baby, all I could think of was her and how much I loved her. She is very tiny and it was amusing to watch the movements she was making like opening her eyes and mouth. She was tightly wrapped in a blanket and from time to time her little arm would pop out of it. I am very surprised at how well I did. I thought for sure that I would have a breakdown, but not once did I get sad, in fact I was quite happy. I didn't want to put the baby down. I would have stayed there all day and night if I could lol. I am actually tempted to go back there today, but I'm not because it's too far.  So, what I thought was going to be a bad day turned out to be a good day and I'm very proud of myself for not going insane.

What is making me insane, however, is this damn Lupron. WHERE THE HECK IS AF? Why isn't she here yet? She should have been here days ago. I am 13dpo and this is unusual for me. I am starting to get a bit worried that AF has gone away and won't come back. If she's not here by next week I have to contact my nurse to see what I need to do.  This is making me quite anxious. For the last couple of days I didn't want to take my medicine, but DH won't let me not take it. I guess I will just have to be patient and wait for AF.

I Can Do This

Go to the hospital tomorrow that is. Yup I am going to the worst part of the hospital, the labour and delivery ward. A new family member is being born by c-section and I am going to meet her. I was at the delivery for my cousin's other 3 kids so I can't not be there for him time. I remember when I found out his girlfriend was pregnant I cried for hours and hours straight. I hate being reminded how hard it is to conceive, and when I find out someone is pregnant that's exactly what happens. This baby was unplanned and my cousin wasn't very pleased when he found out. It's so weird how people who don't want babies can have them left right and centre and people who do want them can't or it takes them years of trying. I just can't figure out life sometimes. Although I wasn't happy about this pregnancy, I am ecstatic to have a newborn baby in the family. I remember in my early 20's being so upset when no one in my family was pregnant. I kept wishing that someone would have a baby for the family lol. I still feel the same way, I just most of the time (okay all of the time) wish it was me having a baby.  

I'm still not sure if I want to go, but only because the hospital is 2 hours away from me and what happens if I have a nervous breakdown while I am there? My mom has a mean friend who works at this hospital and I don't want to run into her. I decided a long time ago to never see this person again no matter what under any circumstances because she has turrets syndrome and always gets into fights with people. This is the mother of my ex-pregnant bully, they are the worst human beings on this planet. I am hoping that no fights are started with me on the baby ward because I might just lose it. I can't see her being a bitch while she's at work, but you never know. 

I have 2 great excuses not to go the hospital, but I am going to be strong and go. I want to be there for my cousin and I want to meet the baby. 

Lupron is Delaying my Period

AF should have been here by now but of course the one time I want her to show up she doesn't.  If this was a normal cycle I would be off to the drugstore to buy a HPT, but this isn't a normal cycle and there is no chance that I am pregnant. The faster AF comes the faster I get my phase 2 protocol and get possible embryo transfer dates. My temperatures are down but not down enough to get AF. For the last few days I have been really crampy and keep getting excited that AF is finally going to start but nothing happens. I scared myself by reading that Lupron can cause cysts which will delay your period. Since all other fertility medications give me cysts, I am pretty sure that Lupron will do the same thing. If AF doesn't come in a week I have to tell the nurse from the agency and I have no idea what will happen at that point. In the past when I got cysts the doctors never cared and said they would go away on their own. However, I have a feeling that won't happen with the my new doctor. I can see her wanting me to have some sort of medical treatment to get rid of cysts and I am terrified to know what kind of treatments. I thought that for sure we would be down there in the first week of November, but now it's looking like it may not be until the end of November which won't be good since that's when American Thanksgiving is. I guess as long as we are down there before Christmas it won't be a huge deal. I want to get there before the snow comes and don't want to risk any chances of plane cancellations or delays. It doesn't snow where we are going, but I have a feeling that Toronto is going to get hit with one of the worst snowstorms ever this year. I keep worrying about every little thing that might go wrong. When I stop worrying about one thing, I start worrying about something else.

I Hate Lupron

I'm on day 3 of Lupron and I don't like it very much. It has too many unwanted side effects that I wish would just go away. The most annoying side effect so far has been the exhaustion. I am always too tired and don't want to do anything but sleep. Yesterday I had a nap for 7 hours and then slept for 10 hours not long after my nap. All I can think about is my pillow which sucks because I hate sleeping. I hate the feeling of being tired, groggy and not well rested. Another awesome side effect is the hunger. I can't stop eating or thinking of food. The day of my first needle I had a bad craving for pizza so when I smelled it coming through my window the next morning (I live up the street from a pizza place), I ordered some for brunch lol. This morning I woke up craving a Big Mac. My whole body is achy and sore. I have been moody and emotional. Everything makes me weepy. I also get bad hot flashes, mild headaches, blurred vision, slurred speech, weird dreams and leg cramps.

I hope my period comes soon. The sooner it gets here the sooner I can stop Lupron. AF should be here in about 4 days, but I have read that Lupron can delay it. If I don't get a period in 11 days, I have to call the clinic so they can order tests to find out why AF didn't come.

Some Good News

The agency DH and I are getting eggs from normally thaws a batch of six eggs for the recipient. However, I found out today that DH and I will be getting a batch of eight eggs instead because it's the donors first time donating eggs and DH and I were the first to pick her. I feel so blessed and I am very excited. I am so excited that I can't keep it in, and I just feel the need to tell someone, anyone. It would be so great to have all eight eggs thaw and fertilize, transfer two and have six to freeze. That's unlikely to happen but would be nice.  I am surprised at how much information I received on the donor. I was told how many eggs she produced (I am jealous) and how many recipients have reserved her eggs amongst other things. I am trying to think of other questions to ask about her but can't think of anything.

I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but DH and I got a fortune cookie the same day we decided to do IVF with donor eggs that had, "your present plans are going to succeed". Tonight we had chinese food (we eat it quite often) and both of our fortune cookies had positive and meaningful things written on them. DH's fortune had, "you will soon get something special because of your charm" and my fortune had, "a surprise announcement will free you". A positive pregnancy test would not only be a surprise but also will free the number one question I have been wondering for almost 3 years now, 'will I ever get pregnant?'.

For the first time in years I finally feel confident that I will be pregnant. I have always had doubt, even when I was a teenager and before I wanted kids. For whatever reason I kept thinking that I wouldn't be able to have children. I now know that is partially true, I probably won't ever get pregnant using my own eggs but from the gift of donor eggs I will have a child that DH and have wanted for so long now.

Donor egg protocol.

I got my IVF protocol the other day and wow am I ever going to be on a lot of drugs. I felt like a heroin addict yesterday after going to the fertility clinic to pick up 2 huge bags of syringes. I keep wondering if I would have ever gotten pregnant if the doctors here gave me some of the drugs that I will be taking next cycle. But because I don't respond to FSH I probably wouldn't have.

On day 21 of this cycle (next Sunday) I will be starting 10 units of lupron every morning. Once my period comes I will reduce the lupron to 5 units a day and add estrogen patches. I will start off with one estrogen patch then increase it to four estrogen patches a day. I have sensitive skin so I am hoping the patches don't make me react. On cycle day 10 of estrogen, otherwise known as DOC10, I will go in for an ultrasound to see if my lining is thick enough to set an egg thaw date. On cycle day 15 of estrogen I will begin taking 25mg of progesterone IM, Doxycycline, and Medrol. This will also be the day when DH and I go to the US. On cycle day 16 DH will give a sample and the clinic will thaw a batch of eggs for us. On cycle day 17 I will stop taking Lupron, but continue to take estrogen and progesterone. Depending on how the embryos grow, my transfer will be on cycle day 19 or cycle day 21. The clinic said they aim for a day 5 transfer. After the transfer we will fly home and wait to POAS. If I get a positive pregnancy test I have to stay on the progesterone and estrogen until the 12th week of pregnancy. I have been told that progesterone shots hurt like hell and are quite nasty, but I usually don't mind needles so I am hoping that this won't be any different.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for us. The thought of never having a child depresses me. I must admit that as time has gone by I have been getting less and less depressed. I have my moments, but not as many as I used to. If all goes as planned we will be in the US at the beginning of November.